Nmom making me feel confused and sympathetic. Maybe need some outside input.

So I've taken to stealthily recording a lot of my conversations with my nmom. Just maybe for me to have proof of some of the stuff she says and proof of conflicting information she gives and proof of a billion stories she repeats for no reason.

She's been staying with me for a bit between her work runs because she's "homeless" (she says she's homeless but owns a house on the other side of the country and works on a site for multiple weeks at a time). It's been good and we haven't had any fights this run and tonight I've actually coaxed her into telling me things she'd avoided telling me about her past and there was a lot of things that would legit fuck someone up mentally that she went through as a kid and I felt a lot of sympathy towards those. But there was a lot of bullshit thrown in there too.

She told me some really deep things she's actually never told me before and I feel bad recording it all. I had started recording because I assumed there was going to be a typical drink conversation with her but it turned so serious. I couldn't stop it in the middle without unveiling that I was doing that so I got our whole conversation.

She did have a shit childhood. But in the conversation She was repeating "I want to give you guys (my sister and i) a life I never had" which I do believe but then said how she moved across the country to be here for me when I had a pregnancy I lost and as support when I was trying to get pregnant again and then having my baby.

But that is the bullshit. She did move out this way but repeatedly said it was to focus on herself and get away from the drama back home (magically, everywhere she works, it's full of drama). She didn't stay with me when I lost the pregnancy. Called me 4 times when I was pregnant. Took a 3 week shift that overlapped on my due date and missed me giving birth after knowing when it was going to happen(I was induced) and when she stayed with me to help with the new baby she made sure to nap, shower, and go for runs when I had a 2 week old baby I was struggling to nurse and do pretty much anything with. She also tried to stay away for Christmas because she thought I wanted to have no family with us for the holidays, even though she's the only family member I have in a 3000 mile radius.

Also in the conversation, she made my father's illness and his being in and out of the hospital about her. They've been separated before he became ill. And after the separation she said she'd deal better if my father actually passed away than to be in and out of the hospital. But to her credit she did admit that's an awful thought... But she's so concerned about what his family would say about her if he died.

Her father died when she was young, and her mother was an alcoholic who was verbally abusive to her. She legit has a shitty past that would fuck most people up. But in my comforting her, I was telling her that she can get counseling, which she agrees, and I tried telling her that people have been worse off than her and can sort their life out but she didn't think anyone had it worse than her. I asked if her mother or father ever raped her, she said no, but her mother said that she drank because she had a kid like her, when my mom was 12. To be fair, that's shitty, but then she proceeded to say repeatedly that it's worse to hear that then to be raped by family members and she definitely had it worse.

It's conflicting. I truly feel bad for her because of her upbringing. It was a terrible childhood that no one should have to go through. But it's so frustrating to hear her say my father's death would be more convenient for her and the lies right to me about saying she moved here to help me but was never there for any of the help I needed.

I don't know if I'm looking for validation of my feelings or just needing to rant. And I have this dread in my head that I'm the narc and making her fucked up life about me.

I don't even think I could do a TL:DR. Any thoughts? Comments? Criticism?