I agree with you. I do think I need to center the build up and tone around Icarus'es speech. I think I got lost in the revision process and forgot about where the climatic tone and emphasis should be. I am going to re-write it and try to make it shorter and more about the climax of the quote. Thank you for the advice.

I appreciate your use of end rhyme, but in line 7 I'm not sure which homophone of "tear" that's supposed to be. I like the consonance but I don't know if it's being used to much effect in line 4, f's don't have much of a dramatic effect at least in this context but that's just a note, not necessarily a criticism. Overall I like what you're going for, but it all builds up to when Icarus speaks and truthfully line 10 is rather anti-climactic. Again, I like what Icarus is saying but I think the writing could be more purposeful if it was more declarative than descriptive. 

I didn't really want more images included than Icarus plummeting towards the sea because I really wanted the emphasis to be on his last words and I feel like images of the scene could ladle attention away from Icarus'es words. However I clearly failed in emphasizing the quote enough and my description of the scene got inconsistent in style and effectively jumbled in the revision process. I think what I need to work on is my consistency and planning towards conveying something without letting the drive for "flowery" language obscure that. Thank you for your advice and helping me realize what I need to work on. 

It's okay. I would break up the fourth line of the first stanza into three separate line such they are read individually

    ...
    A meteor, a son
    a flaming trail of fluttered feathers
    ...

I feel like I need a better idea of time and place. Of course, knowing some basic mythology, I know this has to do with Greece, but the scene as a whole is quite vague and little is told aside from Icarus' downfall. 

Also, the repetition of "an" in the first two lines of the second stanza is a bit lazy. Is there a better way you could phrase one of the lines?

It has a nice morale and good (but myopic) imagery. Overall pretty decent job. 

--I would recommend reworking lines three and five, as the rhyme isn't...quite what I think you're aiming for. The same word doesn't rhyme with itself, you know, and they sound identical.

--Dedalus is, I believe, typically spelled Daedalus. Not sure if that's important.

--Lines 11 and 12 feel a bit jarring to me. It doesn't read coherently as a statement, though I get the visual you're looking after. "As he fell, a star, struck from the sky"...I feel like you need either need something between "he fell," and "A star" or something added past "the sky" to conclude the notion.

    Sun struck from the sky,
    Dedalus let out a cry 
    At the sight of Icarus he could see: 
    A meteor, a son, a flaming trail of fluttered feathers,
    Hurtling toward the sea.
    
    An outstretched arm, a wing,
    An aspiring tear the air did wring.
    And as death barreled near
    Icarus said, with voice soft and clear,
    “I thought, at least, I would try.”
    As he fell,
    A star, struck from the sky.
[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5dks99/white_giant/da5g5pc/) [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5drm7f/sammy/da7cjbq/)


Icarus and the Sky