L5 could be discarded entirely, and in the spirit of a haiku, let the relationship between compared images be inferred.  

The reall issue I have with this piece is how it appears to want concison, but seems to have redundant words. I'm gonna do a strike-through and you tell me if it works for you. If not I'll be glad to work with you on paring down (unless of course that's not what you want of course)

Eastern Japan  
serves ~~cold~~ matcha ice cream  
and she ~~has~~ told me it is deliciously  
evil.  


I can't help but think that (this part couldn't be pared down without changes to the tone, i think)  
she ~~has~~ found the perfect place for her,  
then. 

Otherwise I like the piece, and think it has a playful snarkiness to it. 

I agree with other poster about reducing the extra baggage. Getting rid of "cold" before "ice cream" is inarguable. And each "has" is also redundant. Since the poem is aiming for simplicity, these changes seem called for.

This poem has a very nice, simple, short structure. It also feels somewhat Japanese in its simplified imagistic presentation. The language flows smoothly. Despite only using one image, the poem engages several senses: sight, taste, smell, temperature. All of this worked well for me.

You might be able to go further in the simplification than even those three changes: "I can't help but think that" doesn't add much; also, "then" is kind of implied. I don't know if you could reduce these parts down without doing damage to the intended tone, but it's worth considering.

Nice and succinct, with an excellent, intriguing title.

Although cold / ice cream = a tautology. 

Also overly ambiguous, I don't really understand the conclusion. 

Nice easy style though, keep it up!

Thank you all so much for the feedback. It's really helpful. I actually took this section out of a longer poem, and I think you're right- as a shorter poem it needs to lose some of the wordiness. 
As far as the conclusion and it not being understood, I was hoping people would make the connection that the girl I'm talking about is deliciously evil. Is there any way to portray that better? 

Just to get an idea of what the full edited version is: 

V1

Eastern Japan
serves matcha ice cream and 
she told me it's deliciously evil. 

I can't help but think 
she found the perfect place for her,
then. 

V2 

Eastern Japan
serves matcha ice cream and 
she told me it's deliciously evil. 

She has found the perfect place for her. 

(without line 5) 

V3

Eastern Japan
serves matcha ice cream and 
she told me it's deliciously evil. 

I can't help but think 
she found the perfect place for her.


Personally I like version 1. Again, thanks for all the feedback. Reddit is totally new territory for me, but I'll definitely be posting more! 

I wasn't trying to be brief, just turned out that way. I wrote a longer poem and took this section out of it. I agree. Although I like this ambiguity of eastern Japan 

So what is the idea here?  I feel like you are trying to be brief in each stanza, but if you are shooting for something the spirit of haiku, then perhaps it should be briefer.  Length wants meter or rhyme.

Also, instead of saying "Eastern Japan," perhaps you could name a region of Japan associated with the East?

    Eastern Japan  
    serves cold matcha ice cream  
    and she has told me it is deliciously  
    evil.  


    I can't help but think that  
    she has found the perfect place for her,  
    then.  

Feedback Links:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5ekn1x/table_it/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5ej7j8/too_much_too_soon/

Green Tea Ice Cream