Source
r/DeadBedrooms•
devhow

Quick rant

Anybody else here in counseling with your SO? I can't be the only one here who loses his mind when his wife doesn't seem to ever apply herself. I mean I take notes, remind myself to focus on specific things in our interactions (the counselor has called this homework). We usually each have homework, and she hasn't once even shown an attempt to try.

This counseling isn't cheap, and if I'm the only one who is open to change then we'll just be right here again within a year or two.

Just needed to vent. Will be bringing this up next time we have an appointment too.

Posted Feb 26, 2017, 12:00 AM UTC

310
myexsparamourHLF51 long time leaver•

Yeah, therapy doesn't fix anything if the client isn't willing to do the work. By not doing the homework, your wife is showing with her actions that she doesn't want to solve the issues.

9
workonitnowF•

Will be bringing this up next time we have an appointment too.

I think this is a good idea. The therapist should be keeping her accountable, so bringing it up will hopefully let the therapist know this is going on. Don't take it upon yourself to nag or scold her over it, that should be on the therapist not you (and your SO is unlikely to take it well if it comes from you anyway).

6
maryjanesandbobbysox•

What is the counselor's response when your wife keeps showing that she's not making any effort at all?

Marriage counseling can work for some couples, but both partners have to want to do the work. Otherwise, it's just a waste of time.

I'm the only one who is open to change then we'll just be right here again within a year or two.

If you're going to stay regardless of whether or not anything changes, what incentive does your wife have to do any work to change anything?

Does your wife know that lack of change is a dealbreaker for you? Is it?

6
devhowOP•

I have told her that a floundering sex life is a deal breaker. The more this continues the more I'm convinced my wife isn't actually in love with ME but more the IDEA of being with me. If that makes sense.

Like she's happy with being married to me as long as it doesn't demand any extra work or sacrifice.

7
LostGirl117•

I've done some digging in my own personal experience and it seems like I (HL) am the over functioning partner am enabling him (LL) to a life of convenience. Looking at our family of origins, we had almost opposite structures. His mother did everything while mine was more absent. Subsequently we developed our roles. My husband just started individual therapy so we shall see how it goes. It took me actually being serious about splitting and bringing up adoption of our unborn child for him to move of anything. Whether or not he does any real work is still waiting to be seen.

We've tried couples therapy before, and just like you, I was the one pushing the homework outside of the sessions. That's why its individual therapy for him and change or else I leave.

2
Late58M•

My wife refused to do any meditation or mindful work.. We have wasted time and copay money. They don't want sex.? At least not with me!!!

3
ms_butterfli•

I'd stop taking notes. It makes you look more invested instead of at the end of dealing with her. Unfortunately, a big part of this is mental for a lot of LL partners.

2
devhowOP•

Yeah. I thought about that, but she asks for them afterwards and it's nice to be able to go back and digest everything for me. Plus I'm one of those guys that retains knowledge and information by handwritten notes.

2
LostGirl117•

If she's asking for them at least alternate turns taking them.

2
ms_butterfli•

I agree. By handing her his notes, he's enabling her to do nothing in regards to taking her own notes. By having a session where he doesn't take notes, she'll have to be more responsible for her own retention. Just the act of not being put on notice that he's not going to take notes that day, may be a little unsettling for her. Especially if she's used to him doing all the work in their relationship.

1