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r/OCPoetry•
gwrgwir

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A/N: This was much easier to format in Notepad++ and transfer to RES than it was to format directly here. I think it's a bit on the simple side, even for a shape poem, but I'm trying to branch a bit from my usual style. Thoughts on both the piece and how well it works (or doesn't) are appreciated.

Posted Mar 24, 2017, 6:43 PM UTC

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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PizzaCatSupreme•

Will you explain to me what your talking about? I feel my dislike for the poem comes from a lack of understanding.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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PizzaCatSupreme•

Okay I see the heart beat and it puts it into persepective for me, but how are you seeing it as a graph of happiness?

The words don't evoke emotion for me.

But after explaining to me what it's supposed to be I can't help but see emotion on the last k.

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gwrgwirOP•

Cheers and thanks for the comments. You're right about the events, of course, though I think the piece would either have to be expanded considerably (left to right or up/down) for that to work well, since I'm not brilliant at minimalism (yet).

And I loved how much it hurt when I checked to see if I was right and I wasn't.

This is a wonderful reaction/compliment to something I didn't even think about while writing or notice until you pointed it out.

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ActualNameIsLana•

It reminds me of a sort of graph of the relationship, with time on the X axis, and the strength or viability of the relationship on the Y axis. I think this is an interesting mechanic, if not particularly illuminating mechanic in this instance. What I mean by that is: the information conveyed by the graph seems to be identical to the information conveyed by the words themselves. The word "fight", predictably slopes down, as does "divorce", and the words "recovery" and "interest" also predictably slope upward. I think you might consider working with this mechanic again, but including some not-so-obvious word-shapes, like for instance a positive-sounding word that slopes downward, or vice versa. It might illuminate more that way, and provide a justification/reason for the mechanic's existence in the poem.

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gwrgwirOP•

Comments like this are why I love the community we've got here - you all see what I don't. I didn't consider the relationship graph as you note it when writing, simply the heartbeat pattern and actions/wording. I tried to shape both 'divorce' and 'recovery' to be slightly broken/irregular, though I think you're right that the mechanic would function better with (at times) reversed language. Definitely something to think about next time I attempt something like this.

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PizzaCatSupreme•

As a visual piece of media it's appealing reminds me a lot of house of leaves, but I don't get it in the context presented.

As a poem I didnt get it or enjoy it, the words don't make sense when read in order, it doesn't rhyme, I'm having a really hard time recognizing it as a poem and not a piece of art.

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gwrgwirOP•

Understandable reaction. Most of my work (I'd say probably 85% of the whole) is in rhyme of varying quality and meter, but I was trying to branch out with this piece. Gummyfail got it spot-on with the heartbeat monitor comment. For me, it's not so much a poem-poem as an art-poem (much as I see most shape poems), if that makes sense.

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bobbness•

As others have, I read this poem as a plot of feelings over time with the positive/negative-sloped words correlating to the feelings the words denote. Others have also said to mix up this pattern a bit or tell a more full or detailed story - I like the idea of stretching the tale and adding specificity, and maybe using one or two ambiguous words, but don't go too far against the reader's intuition or they might not grasp why this heckin poem is all ziggy-zagged out, man.

I like it a lot.

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PizzaCatSupreme•

I wanted to come back and comment after seeing this on my computer, but if your on mobile you can scroll to the side... it makes a lot more sence when you know this.

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lfborjas•

I see you already got feedback but just wanted to say: happy to see a shape poem from you! You were telling me about them in another thread and I've been trying to pay more attention to the few shape poems (and calligrams—are these synonyms or are shape poems a different, like, tradition?) one comes across these days; it was quite fun to see the message of the poem in the layout, I think I have a little bit more understanding of the power of this form now :D

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