Source
r/OCPoetry•
ButterballHotline

To Gain

Feedback Received!

Phaethon! You drag 'cross the heavens burning!
Burning: radiant, pell-mell, zig-zag flamestreak
wilts clouds and sets salt-rich waters churning,
bubbling, boiling til parched valleys so bleak
stretch out from shore past mortal reckoning.
This is betrayal of your kind: this wild
grab at His godly glory beckoning.
As Semele's desire sundered her child
from her womb then smoldering 'pon the ground
and left that merry sot in hands lech'rous
when Jove in that lady's smoking ashes found
a future-man wine-drowned-dumb and treach'rous,
so have you found ruins in your dreamscapes.
Yet who in these dull and crowded places
has not turned heart toward far, shining shapes
that brilliant glitter at their light-starved faces?

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Edit:

To Gain v.1.b (Major structural expirementation/changes or added content coming in v.2, if anyone would ever be interested in being a reader for this poem's process [hint hint: my inbox is open]) If you want, let me know what you think of this one!

Phaethon! You drag 'cross the heavens burning!
Burning, radiant, pell-mell, zig-zag flame-streak
wilts clouds and sets salt-rich waters churning,
bubbling, boiling til parched valleys so bleak
stretch out from shore past mortal reckoning.
Haughty mortal! Your spirit grabs wild
At your father’s Godly glory beckoning.
As Semele's desire sundered her child
from her womb then smoldering 'pon the ground
before the shining of that god lech’rous;
Then Jove in that lady's smoking ashes found
A future-sot wine-drowned-dumb and treach'rous;
So have you found ruins in your dreamscapes.
Yet who in these dull and crowded places
Has not turned heart toward far shining shapes
That brilliant glitter at their light-starved faces?

Posted Mar 28, 2017, 11:06 PM UTC · edited

68
humpersthompson•

A few small critiques because this was overall a good piece:

The rather long sentence past the middle point felt like it ran on forever. It could use some punctuation or breaking up, or some helpful enjambments.

Speaking of which, your end rhymes weren't doing much for me. Also having one large, blocky stanza didn't detract from the message, but also didn't help the piece any. Playing with structure could really push this piece.

Finally, "dreamscape" seems cliche here. Though I did like your use of "flamestreak".

Good job!

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ButterballHotlineOP•

I was a little annoyed at myself for "dreamscape" too! In the end I left it in this first version because it connects to the "ruins" to give an idea of a true landscape in Phaethon's dreams (or desires, or whatever). I'll do a version that reworks dreamscape into something else as well.

That long sentence is something I totally agreed with. Especially because it just basically said that Jove discovered Bacchus in Semele's ashes twice for no other reason than to go along with my form. That's being substantially reworked currently.

Thank you so much for your feedback!

2
Gummyfail•

 
##The Gist of it
 
The piece is a standard rendering of the Phaethon parable, through a narrator that ultimately both blames him and sympathizes with him. Specifically this understanding comes through to primary comparison of Semele. Semele is inherently a sympathetic figure due to the nature of her death (death in-between feuding gods) and the undercurrent of wanting understanding. There is another obvious Greek parable (and at least two Semitic) that is completely side-stepped but obviously part of the conversation; Icarus is not mentioned. I think this is for a fairly clear reason. The narrator is interested in discussing curiousity as opposed to the ambition normally discussed in Phaethon (especially in conjunction with Icarus).
 

##Some Techniques Used
 
There is a noticeable lack of stanza breaks, which create the illusion of being a passage of a larger poem (this is compound with the ABAB-CDCD rhyme scheme).
 

The meter feels fairly organic and takes a backseat to textures creating by very specific words and word-pairings
 

Phaethon!

Is reminiscent of Beowulf’s opening line and creates a sense of beginning and a very clear addressing in the work.
 

Kennings. Kennings. Kennings. They’re everywhere and are dead set on creating as violent of rhythm as possible.

##Was it a Success?
 
It works (and I think you know it works) at creating a violent atmosphere with a strange and kery rhythm that pushes the narrative along.

##How to improve
 
#this poem
 
You could improve it by ridding yourself of the -ing rhymes (they are much weaker than the rest) and considering reworking this into a sonnet, but I thought it was one for a bit.
#generally
 
I agree with Humper, your enjambments just feel functional. I think you could push the technique further. And look into more violent and stranger kennings (the fewer hyphens the more violent, typically).
 
Hope I helped!

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ButterballHotlineOP•

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm working on a second version right now to address some of the feedback I've received.

I really appreciate your words on the meaning of the poem! I've always been worried in my writing about riding the line between obtuse and simplistic, and I'm glad that writing on mythology at least allows me to express ideas clearly. And yes, Abrahamic religious influences always creep into the corners of what I write. I'm a very Christian atheist, I suppose.

Side note on that, a final connection I was considering adding was regarding Sir Balin and the Dolorous Stroke, though I wasn't sure if the connection was as strong as the one between Phaethon and Semele. He creates disaster in his adventure, but his motivation seems too different from the others to really feel like a substantial connection.

I agree on the enjambment, and especially the third sentence on Semele. I'm working on a v.2 I'll be editing into my original post shortly that tries to begin to correct that portion of the poem.

I was worried about the meter, I've never really seriously attempted a poem that had anything approaching a regular meter, and I'm sure this is still all messed up, but I'm glad it doesn't sound... janky.

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HeardYouCall•

I'd like to start off by saying I actually have Phaethon falling tattooed across my mid torso.

It reminds me very much of Lewis Carroll, though only because of how ornate it is. It manages to avoid being purple by quite a bit even when you neglect to consider the imagery, greek mythology sort of allow for more complex wording.

The rhymes are very solid and even though they're very safe, it fits in with the subject matter and wording.

There is a break in the middle that i feel doesn't quite work and could use improvement, "this is betrayal of your kind: this wild // grab at His godly glory beckoning", it goes between adjective and core subject, which only happens here during the poem and sticks out.

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ButterballHotlineOP•

Thank you! I'm glad you could connect to it! I had always known the gist of the myth but a recent reading of the Metamorphoses and the connection to Semele who ALSO is killed because they unknowingly request something dangerous of a god kind of got my imagination going.

I'm writing a second version now to try and fix that problem you mentioned of "wild" being separated from its noun.

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kamerad-dziga•

very pretty. rich. keep it up.

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Nosajhpled•

Good strong language. I enjoyed the rhythm as I read it. This is a poem that reached out and begged me to read it out loud in a dramatic voice. BTW, now that my kids are older they aren’t as amused by this. Great piece!

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