Source
r/OCPoetry•
superbnovas

Bold and Underlined

Feedback Received!

I'd like to put into words my affections for you,

So when you're out of view, I'll still see you as new.

And even when I can't read, and my eyes have gone white,

I'll lay back and listen and let someone else recite.

I'd put you in a song, but I'm not sure how it would sound.

The notes would be too haunting as the lyrics felt more profound.

Or maybe a novella or a small book of sorts,

But the villains would fall for you, and the plot would be too short.

You could be the headline in the paper, and they'd print all through the night,

But the ink couldn't keep up with demand as the lines stretch out of sight.

I even considered the phone book just to get my thoughts jot down,

But I'm just one and can't keep up with the calls coming 'round.

So I've resorted to all I know -

A poorly written poem with no legitimate flow.

And I'll keep you for myself

To stay on my mind if nothing else.

[1] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/628bz8/genesis/) [2] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/63bslt/freedom_from_necessity/)

Posted Apr 4, 2017, 6:18 PM UTC · edited

610
astrowifey•

I really enjoyed reading this, I really like it. Only feedback I would give is try and say it out loud, some of the lines feel too long and I feel have to many syllables so it doesn't flow as well as it could? Maybe rewording a few things could make it flow better, but to be honest I really enjoyed reading it, I'm gonna save it, please tell me if you decide to update it at all or not, whether with my feedback or if someone else gives any good ideas. I smiled reading it, it made me happy.

2
superbnovasOP•

Hi! Thanks for the feedback! I agree some of the lines were a bit wordy so I cut them down a little bit. It is all about the pace you read it at though! I am glad you enjoyed it

2
FromAshesTo_Dust•

I really liked this! It's was an enjoyable read 😊 the one thing I would say is that the length of some of the lines does feel a bit awkward, like the person above me said. Maybe try adding some commas? Like "the notes would be too haunting, as the lyrics felt more profound", and "but all the villains and heroes would fall for you, and the plot would be too short". I just feel like that would help the cadence & rhythm of the poem. But overall this is very cool, I liked it a lot!

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superbnovasOP•

Hey! I cut down some lines a bit, and I added punctuation where I felt it should go. Thank you for the feedback, and I am happy you liked what I had to say. My girlfriend appreciated it as well ;)

1
Eschatonist•

I, like everyone else, enjoyed reading this poem and the subject matter was really nice. I think it could flow more nicely, however, if you played around with the syllables. For example:

The notes would be too haunting as the lyrics felt more profound.

may sound less clunky if it were written as "The notes would be too haunting and the lyrics more profound." As well as the lines:

"Or maybe a novella or a small book of sorts, But the villains would fall for you, and the plot would be too short."

Otherwise, this poem was great!

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superbnovasOP•

Thank you for the feedback :)

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thatCamelCaseTho•

You admitted it yourself—this poem has terrible flow. Often you stretch sentence to almost twice the length of others which makes the poem drag heavily. Shorten them, and perhaps compress it entirely for the sake of brevity. The rhyme scheme you've picked is great but only in small bursts.

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superbnovasOP•

I appreciate your feedback! I do agree about the line lengths, but it sounds much better in person.

1
unfortunatelyalyx•

I think this is a great poem content wise, like the others said I think the structure and syllabul count could use some work, but overall, well done!

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superbnovasOP•

Thanks!

1