Source
r/OCPoetry•
FromAshesTo_Dust

Ruined

Feedback Received!

You ruined me,
Made me feel as though
Everything I wanted was within my reach,
Should be within my reach,
How dare it not be within my reach?
Made me feel as though
I should be able to control those around me,
A little flirting goes a long way, right?
I deserve to be angry
when they don't do what I want,
After all, you do everything & then some, don't you?
You ruined me,
You worshiped the ground I walk on,
& I tripped & fell into entitlement.
You showered me with compliments,
Now I seek them from everyone;
My mere existence half the time
Seems to revolve around superficially & charm.
You ruined me,
I hate who I've become,
An attention whore
A liar
A deceiver
A shallow shell of myself
You ruined me.

1 2

Posted Apr 4, 2017, 11:23 PM UTC

817
ratherlargepie•

I feel like the ending isn't living up to the complex self-awareness of the narrator. Through the poem, the narrator doesn't seem to simply hate themselves, but devolves into self loathing at the end. I think a more complex line after "I hate who I've become," would be interesting. Something like, "I hate who I've become,/ make me love it."

2
ZackTheGuy•

The subject matter of this poem is very interesting. Great job! I really enjoyed this. I felt it to be quite unique!

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

Thank you! The situation that the poem was written about is sort of unique as well, so I'm glad the poem reflects this. Much appreciated:)

2
Tbk_greene•

I loved this! The awareness of an internal change really makes this poem. Rather than just saying that "you've ruined me" after a break up, you contextualize it within the idea that the speaker is ruined because their old lover made them shallow. This internal change not only is expressed by the speaker, but the "I deserve to be angry" line seems to highlight the complaint as an effect felt more than said. I think your method is an expertly crafted way of using a common phrase to explain an uncommon message. Awesome!

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

Thank you so much! Interestingly enough this poem isn't about a breakup, it's about a friend I had who wanted to take our relationship a step further, but I wasn't interested. However, his attention & attempts to win me over felt really good, so I didn't shut him down the way I should have & eventually became somewhat dependent on that attention, which I hated. Hence, this poem was born. But now that you mention it, I can definitely see how it sounds like it's referring to a breakup, & I like that that aspect means a larger group of people can relate to it. Thank you again for your kind words :)

2
thatCamelCaseTho•

I think the premise is really great, and there is a lot of concept within the poem. However, following a more direct plot interspersed with concept would serve the reader better in terms of comprehension and reponsiveness.

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

That's interesting, do you think you could be a little more specific?

1
thatCamelCaseTho•

Sure thing.

You've got lines like

I deserve to be angry

and

After all, you do everything, and then some, don't you?

They're nice, lines, but don't give a lot of solid footing for the reader to base judgement. I know this poem is about a relationship, presumably ruined, but the details and nitty gritty are lacking.

A lot of writers, myself included, can easily get lost in the emotion of a scene, which is only powerful when paired with characters to base the emotion upon.

A more solid and quantifiable encounter would serve to inform the reader of what is going on, and then you would intersperse your inner monologue of emotions to supplement the narrative.

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

Gotcha, that makes more sense, and you're right. I'll definitely work on that. Thank you!

1
unfortunatelyalyx•

Big fan of the repetition at the end, a strong way to end the poem, overall great work!

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FromAshesTo_DustOP•

Thank you so much!

1
bloaviation_station•

Great subject matter. It left me thinking which is something I always like a poem to do. I can relate to both sides, being ruined and being the one who ruins

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FromAshesTo_DustOP•

Thank you, I really love hearing that it's both thought provoking & relatable. Much appreciated :)

1
wishingtogobacknow•

Wow, I really enjoyed this as someone who has gone through something like this, i really could sink my teeth into it.

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

I'm really glad you could relate to it, thank you :)

1
Woodsy113•

First have to say that I liked the non-typical subject matter of your poem. Rereading helped me notice how "you ruined me" is effectively placed to break things up and, while adding line breaks might be interesting to try, I think the current compactness actually helps things out.

On a side note, I have to say that I was reminded of a song by the band AJJ called "I am so mad at you" - the beginning lyrics are "I am so mad at you/for making me such a bastard/for giving me such high standards/I am mad at you". I totally mean that as a compliment, and lyrics can be poetry, right? Thanks for a great poem.

1
FromAshesTo_DustOP•

This is a super cool reply, thank you so much :) (& lyrics can absolutely be poetry).

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