Source
r/schizophrenia•
pnjunction

Reaching out re married life/relationships with wife and child; want out of Huizinga's "world of production"

I'm a husband and father who has received multiple dxes over the last x number of years. My wife and I are struggling to get along, often. Probably the usual types of issues, and schizophrenia dx and OCD diagnosis (geez, which do I go along with?), in last couple of years, complicate things; rather, the signs and symptoms that led to the dxes make it difficult for me to tolerate an office environment, and difficult for my wife to tolerate my fear etc. Need to find work that doesn't lead to me becoming overwhelmingly fearful of bosses, coworkers, etc. Wide interests, decent writer, computer-science/engineering background.

She is probably asking for help on reddit as well and is a much more avid user than I am. I don't use drugs, I don't drink, I see my doc and psychologist, I take my medication, I'm not violent, I don't have a criminal record. I could get a job like the one I've had before (and have quit), but I've come to despise the field I have worked in. I want out. I don't want to turn the gears of Moloch anymore; there has got to be a better way, and I want to work toward reducing suffering, starting with the kind I've gone through and seen friends go through. My wife has her own psychological issues and has been getting help for years. Altogether, it's not enough for us to have established a life we both enjoy. We're still young and have a young child. The future seems bright, and the present and near past is and has been difficult. I love her more than anyone I've ever known. This is just so difficult sometimes.

Posted Apr 14, 2017, 6:58 AM UTC

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soundandvisionsis on the grass•

My mom is turning 50 this year. She has had a very steady job for the last 20 years. Yet, she has been enrolled in college courses for the past several years and is working very hard to eventually change over into a profession that she can be passionate about, rather than one that she can just support the family on.

What I'm saying is, it's never too late to chase after what you want to do. Symptoms can make it a lot harder for some of us, but it's possible and we are capable of making those same changes.

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pnjunctionOP•

Thank you for your encouragement. We are both in school again, searching for a meaningful career path. Software development has been like factory work.

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Katieb999•

My husband and I work constantly on our mental state in order to keep things as steady as possible (which is not easy with a 2 year old!) so I hear ya. All I can say is keep being true to yourself and feeling your needs and those of your family. Stress is a big issue for my symptoms, so I had to step off the floor (I'm a nurse) and work a desk job, and I actually looooove it! Sometimes doing what helps you stay relaxed and happy can have a positive effect on the rest of your life. Being married is a challenge, but the support and companionship is worth it's weight in gold. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for my husband. And I know I don't make it easy for him. Lol. Either way, stay positive!

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pnjunctionOP•

Thank you! Yes, we'll stay positive, though we do complain a lot. I've worked a desk job for years, and I am ready for a change. We've pushed ourselves to the breaking point and are trying to reel things back in.

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Katieb999•

That makes sense. Identifying that you need a change is a big step. And so is reminding each other that you two are in this together, good or bad. It's easy to get caught up in the moment and forget and it's important sometimes to take a deep breath, look at what you have, and know you'll be ok so long as you are both there for each other. My husband is not happy with his job. He wants to change, and his frustration and depression about it leaks into our interactions. That puts a lot of stress on him and our family. I can't always be supportive, either. He has to keep himself going too. I can't do it for him, but when I can be supportive, I do it as much as I can. That's a part of marriage. I need him too. To be there for me when I have delusions and my own "issues," and to help me when I need it most, but I also have to understand that he can't ALWAYS be there for me. He has to work. He has to take care of our daughter. All of that is supporting me as well. Anyways, sorry about the wall of text. I'm kinda on a mental spin at the moment. Lol :P

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drewdles151515•

I can sympathize with your situation, although I'm unmarried. I don't know the source of your references (world of production; gears of moloch) but I think I can understand.

It's easy to become paranoid in professional environments around coworkers and bosses. I know everyone hates their bosses, but I seem to be especially sensitive to authority. I'm not sure why. I also hate to do work that makes me feel like a cog in a machine.

My solution is to try to become a self-employed writer. I'm not sure if it'll work. It would be a lot more stressful if I had a wife who expected me to be making in a lot of money. I don't know the solution for you, but I wish you well.

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pnjunctionOP•

Sorry it's been so long. I didn't have anything against my bosses in this case. Some of my favorite images come from Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" and George Lucas' "THX 1138." "World of production" is a term used by the 20th century anthropologist Johan Huizinga, and the world of production stands in contrast to the world of play and performance. Also relevant here is the work of Richard Schechner on performance theory. Anyway, I just read a lot...I'm doing a thesis, as I can't remember whether I've said it.

The major struggle has been paranoia for the last few years, and then family life turned into a ball of fire for a few months. Things are pretty good right now. I'm looking for part-time work, maybe teaching what I've been studying and doing these last ten years almost.

I looked into doing some online writing, and I haven't gotten far. Too much else to do, and too little driving me to sit down and do it.

I think the greatest difficulty since initial dx (and schizophrenia is, other than depression, the only thing I've been dxed with twice) has been social isolation; I don't have many local friends. I have a handful of people I've known. I'm working on that. My best friend moved away. I've known him over ten years, and we haven't always gotten along. I've been able to relate to him like no one else since 2000-ish.

Thanks for the reply, again, sorry for my taking so long to respond.

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drewdles151515•

You seem extremely intelligent. Your description of your schizophrenia is the only description I've ever heard that resembles what I experience. I completely sympathize with fearing the world of production. Anyway, I hope you find ways to cope. If you ever start a blog about your experiences, you'll have at least one loyal reader. Please let me know if you do.

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