Source
r/OCPoetry•
Tbk_greene

The Colors of Us (Red and Blue, revised).

Feedback Received!

"No,"
she said with a blue heart
and red wrists. "Face it
and face the things you can't.
Forget being wine-drunk,
you're hungover on the idea
that you haven't really lived."

 

"Look,"
she said
"My big blue eyes just mean that
you think I'm innocent.
See my scars?
They're my train tracks.
They're my travels from high to low,
and I don't think you've been
on anything close to the same trip.
Don't you want someone strong?
Don't you want someone else?"

 

"Listen,"
I said, but I turned green
and yellow reached for my throat.
We both knew that
I'm stuck in the black and white.
That we're different colors.
But I had to say something.

 

"Take my flawless wrists and brown eyes,
I want to be red and blue too."

 
Feedback:
[1] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/660y21/almost_killed_myself_today_i_wrote_this_as_a/dgev19i/)
2

Posted Apr 18, 2017, 9:19 PM UTC

48
ActualNameIsLana•

I like the first lines of each stanza but I think most of the rest of the dialogue suffers because in an effort to shoehorn in colors the language doesn't feel natural any longer.

2
Tbk_greeneOP•

I know what you mean. I'm happy with what's being said, but the stanza I'm having the most trouble with is the "Listen," stanza. There's parts I like and don't like, but am having trouble cutting it down. Any thoughts?

1
ActualNameIsLana•

Honestly, I'm the worst at dialogue. That's one reason I so rarely use it in my own poetry. Maybe someone else who does it better can give you some advice here. u/Tsavich, or u/poeticwasteland? Care to give this one a once-over? I've seen both of you use dialogue amazingly well.

1
capthighwind•

Despite the possibility that your subjects in this poem are based on real people, would it maybe enhance the idea if the actual innocent person here (the speaker) was the one with blue eyes? I just keep getting hung up on the whole "My big blue eyes just mean that you think I'm innocent line." That's a lot of dialogue that is actually saying something the speaker could just infer to readers by describing his own eyes, couldn't it?

I really like this poem though. I think the theme is fantastic and the pace is clean, but I would look back at what your dialogue is telling readers vs. what the speaker says.

Also, ditch the line about the train tracks and maybe revise the next line because "highs and lows" does not adequately sum up depression.

2
Tbk_greeneOP•

I see what you mean! I mostly use this point of "big blue eyes" to point to the idea that there's more to people than we see. "She" is explaining to me that there's a history behind those eyes. There's more to say but I'm struggling to find the right words. If you think there's a better way to express this idea, what do you think I could do?

I'm also glad you like the poem, but I'd say that the train tracks line and the high's and low's line are some of my favorites. While I don't believe you can sum up something like depression since it varies for each person, I do think that it's possible to recognize the internal struggles we go through and the hard parts in our lives that we've lived through. The whole train tracks line is actually pretty personal, and points more to the history of our struggles rather than depression itself as a subject. You know what I mean? Self-harm can come from a lot of things (anxiety, eating disorders, and depression like you said), and more signifies an inability to cope rather than depression alone.

1
capthighwind•

Sounds to me like it wouldn't be a bad idea to make an entire poem dedicated to those tracks when you get the time,then. ;)

2
Amadiio•

I interpret this like she is a sufferer of depression and explains how her experiences with the illness have been a journey in her life. The journey of depression has changed her in a way she can now appreciate. But no one has suffered just like she did. Shes not saying that she had it the worse, just that everyone experiences and deals with depression differently. But if you haven't experienced it in any form then it is difficult to relate.

Anyways this poem really resonates with me. I know for me its hard for people to accept me with all my problems with depression and anxiety.

2
SmileIfYouSeeThis•

i love this poem so much, it really strikes a chord with me. i especially love the line "i'm stuck in black and white" as it paints this gap in the narrator's understanding of the girl's situation. however as the above commenters have mentioned the yellow and green segment seems a bit forced, though i'm not sure how to edit that.

2