Irrational
This is actually a song, sorry if it reads weird. Context/spoiler at the bottom.
i still remember the day i met you
wondering where you'd lead me
and i still think about Lisa's couch
and beginning ambiguity
i look back at those nights of us together
struggling to find footing
even to this day i fight myself
against my rationality
i know you've told me before in not so many words
"i want you to love me, but loving me won't work"
but you've gotta admit you don't make it easy
so im stuck in fucken limbo maintaining peace
it seems that every god damn nights the same
these conversations with my brain
i think all it wants to know is you hear what its saying
but ill try my damndest to not project
this whole paradigms a confusing mess
see thats what you do to me
this irrationality slowly eating at me
last night i got too stoned to not fall asleep
and after all these years you were right where you're supposed to be
but waking up at 5 am from what has always been my dream
makes this 10 hour shift drag on for what seems like weeks
the last few weeks i thought rory helped me
but it only furthered the apnea
so i guess for the time being
youre stuck being my andria
because it seems every god damn nights the same
these conversations with my brain
i know all it wants to know is you hear whats its saying
but ill try my damndest to not project
this whole paradigms a confusing mess
see thats what you do to me
this irrationality slowly eating at me
i know it doesn't work this way
i should've quit like 2 years back
but you took the one thing thats kept be grounded
its what keeps me coming back
its hard to think where id be with out you
even now im unsure my place
but if you've taught me anything through these years
its the futility of faith
but even still these god damn nights are the all same
i just cant seem to keep up with my own brain
what kills me most is what i do
i dont know how i can expect you to
when even i cant make sense of what its saying
i know itd never work
i know that i dont want it to
but your insidious warmth envelopes me
unable to see past you
you said you wanted a song about you
well im sorry it came from me
hopefully now my head can call this closure
and itll let me get some sleep
Context, I moved in recently with a girl I've been in love with for years and she's kind of led me on on and off the whole time. I'm at the point where logically I know I shouldn't be with her and its all chemical. Anyways, it's her birthday coming up and she said she wanted poems or paintings or whatever. I had already been writing a song about her, so I just kind of finished it, and I don't know if I should actually give it to her. We're supposed to move together with another person in a few months and I don't want to fuck that up, ya know. K thanks for the feed back.
Posted Apr 21, 2017, 9:03 PM UTC
sounds like the poem describes a girl who is toxic. Sometimes poems dig into the subconscious of our brain and tell us what we don't know about ourselves.
That said, the poem needs to be tightened up and less edgy. The cursing doesn't flow. I curse in my poetry often - most of my poetry is dirty and rude - but I don't force it, you know? It just comes. I don't think, as I'm writing, "oh, I should swear here to communicate anger or edginess." The swearing/dirt just comes naturally and organically. Don't force it to come otherwise it won't come out right.
Tighten the poem up. The poem drags on, consider even deleting a stanza or two. Take out any words/verses that aren't strictly necessary to the core message of the poem. e.g. "
because it seemseverygod damnnights the same"The rhyming scheme is irregular and strange. For beginners, rhyming should be consistent. It's only after a writer is familiar with the complexities of the rules that he can know how to break and warp them properly
I completely agree with everything you said. This was written as a song so the vulgarity is mostly to help with the rhythm of it. Also throughout writing I thought that at least 2 or 3 stanzas were out of place or unnecessary. I was on adderall and wanted to get every thought out there, so I completely agree with tightening it up and that it drags on - I was just too tweaked to determine what to cut.
Thanks for calling her toxic though, that is a perfect descriptor that I've been yet able to come up with. You're right about a poems ability to show us what we don't want to see. I've known for months this relationship isn't worthwhile but finally writing it out, putting it on paper, really helped me to see my position on the issue.
Thanks for the feed back, its incredibly appreciated.
Edit: for clarification, the "every god damn nights the same," the "god damn" is very specifically to add more syllables to the line as the following line kind of blends in to prior.
in other words the 'god damn' is useless filler
i don't write songs, and my poetry doesnt fit a rhyme/meter. The reason behind this is because i do not want anything to restrict my form. I want the words to be chosen because of their own value and meaning that they contribute to the poem. I want the story to choose the words, not the words to choose the story - or worse yet, the meter or rhyme to choose both the words and story. If you can, find a way to cut words like 'god damn' and replace it with a word that actually means something you want to say.