Source
r/OCPoetry•
lfborjas

Domingo de Ramos/Palm Sunday — Semana Santa 1/4

Feedback Received!

Hi all, I've missed you!

Following the brave example of u/veremos, I'd like to share some of my work in progress in Spanish with you, with translations; in particular this tetralogy I wrote last week during/for Holy Week, I'll do a post for each in the following days. I ended up just doing one poem per major day in the way easter is celebrated back home, but I didn't super plan it extremely well so also interested to hear feedback on doing more (or fewer) pieces in the series.

The originals try to be metered and follow some lyrical romance forms, but the translations are mostly literal; hopefully the translations can help get a sense of the original and thus help you do feedback about that, but I'm very interested to hear how you would amend the translations themselves!

On to the first piece:

En los altares de mi Tegucigalpa eterna
que tanto figuraron en mi infancia ingenua
veo aún el níveo manto de la eucaristía,
el corro informe de la gris feligresía
y el cirio pascual con su llama sempiterna.

Y en la barahúnda de la obediente caterva,
un cipote más blandiendo esas ramas muertas
recordando el regreso de aquél que ahora pendía
	en los altares.

Hoy me duelen los años disueltos en décadas
porque he visto esas hojas marchitas y maltrechas
pasar de marcar la muerte de un dios, elegía,
a ser testamentos de mi lánguida apatía
por la tierra donde podría verter mis penas
	en los altares.

And the translation:

In the altars of my eternal Tegucigalpa
prominent in the background of my childhood
I still see the white drapes of the eucharist
the shapeless gray gaggle of the parish
and the sempiternal flame of the paschal candle

And in the din of the obedient throng
another kid brandishing the withered branches
in remembrance of him who now hangs
    in the altars.

Today the years dissolved in decades ache
for I have seen those shriveled branches
go from being an elegy to a dead god
to denounce my languid indifference
for a land where I could still pour my woes
    in the altars.

Posted Apr 22, 2017, 4:49 PM UTC

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ActualNameIsLanaMOD•

I don't speak a word of Spanish or any other romantic language aside from English, but I hope this trend of multilingual poems continues. I think it's about time our little sub reach out to include the greater diversity of world cultures and languages. Hopefully, another user will come along and offer some critical analysis of the untranslated portion. Upvote for visibility. Good luck, OCpoet. :)

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lfborjasOP•

Yay thanks aniLana! :D

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gwrgwir•

I don't speak (or read or write) Spanish, though I've got a passing familiarity with Latin (Classical more than Ecclesiastical/Medieval). As such, I can only comment on the translation aspect of the piece.

Why eternal and sempiternal in the same stanza, if both mean the same? Eucharist should be capitalized as a sacrament, I think. Punctuation on the first stanza if you're making a list. White, gray, (flame) - maybe another color descriptor in line 5?

Stanza 2 - 'kid' seems a bit out of place; maybe 'child' or 'youth'? 'him' would nominally be capitalized as a reference to Christ. in, on, or above the altars?

Stanza 3 - I think attention to verb tense is needed here. dissolved, have seen, go from being, to denounce, could still pour - these are nearly all different tenses/forms of verbs, so consistency would be helpful. Maybe

Today the ache of decades dissolved,
for I saw those shriveled branches
turn from a dead god's elegy
to denouncing my languid indifference
for a land where I may still pour my woes
on the altars.

?

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lfborjasOP•

Hi u/gwrgwir! Thank you so much for always having detailed and thoughtful feedback!

Very good point on eternal/sempiternal, it's obvious now that you point it out but it didn't stand out to me when writing/re-reading, I'll see what can be reworked there so synonyms don't distract from the message.

As for eucharist/kid/christ; I think they're all a bit of intentional sacrilegious choices? I've adopted from José Saramago the cheeky atheistic vice of intentionally not capitalizing god-related things, and I also got a bit of a sick pleasure of throwing kid (and 'cipote' in the original, which is equally vulgar, as it were, in honduran spanish) in the middle of otherwise ecclesiastic and solemn imagery; however, if that's more of an in-joke for me and doesn't quite make it through to the reader, I'll take another look to revise indeed!

Your take on the third stanza is spot on! Definitely didn't give a lot of thought to the translation there as I was "rushing" to a "literal" piece, thanks very much for approaching it with editing care, I'm definitely lazy in that aspect of things.

I hadn't translated my stuff before and it's definitely an interesting exercise, after translating this one I can see doing a "literal" translation doesn't also mean not thinking too much about things, but is instead an opportunity to take another look at a poem and extract meaning that sort of transcends language—the next thing I translated was way more liberal, being more faithful to the meaning than the words, and I kinda liked it more than the original.

I'll use your feedback and those aforementioned learnings to improve this translation and will post the next one soon, have a lovely Sunday and thanks again!

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