Source
r/OCPoetry•
JourneyofKay

Affliction

Feedback Received!

The hummingbird inside my chest
Rats in the maze, my mind cannot rest

Electric eels slice through my veins
Shock down my arm; was that pain?

Is THIS time the end? Goodbye to family and friends?

The creatures invade every inch of my being
Hurting me and mine, this is not living

As I chill and sweat, off to the vet

With wires and needles the infestation released
Frozen inside until the next feast

Sympathy and pity assuage my fears
Alone and the fool, rain down the tears

Feedback: 1 2

Posted Apr 23, 2017, 7:19 PM UTC

24
kbwritings•

THIS POEM IS FIRA! Everything about this poem is speaking to my soul! The vulnerability, the simplicity, the everything!

1
JourneyofKayOP•

Wow thank you, I don't know what FIRA means but sounds good;) it means a lot that it spoke to you. Appreciate your feedback.

1
kbwritings•

It just mean fire...lol you are welcome.

1
gwrgwir•

So... 3 animals to start, but they're not really related well to each other or to the poem as a whole. There's a spoken-word feel to the piece, but it's disjointed in both message and phrasing.

I get what you're trying to say with the piece, I think, but consider each of your couplets in relation to each other (and that some lines aren't formatted as couplets).

1