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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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sixoncomingstorms_66OP•

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm experimenting a little here--poetry isn't my main form of written expression, so I'm definitely not very good at it. So thank you for pointing out specifics!

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fullofskies•

I really like this. It captures the essence of life, balance. It is very similar to the content I find myself gravitating toward when I write... lovely job

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sixoncomingstorms_66OP•

Thank you!

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Aqec•

I don't like this. I can't quite put my finger on why but I'll try to.

broken and beautiful,

shining and shattered,

the light and the dark.

These lines are all exactly the same tbh. You could make the same statement in one line, bringing it into three separate ones (especially in such a short poem) dilutes the power that you could possibly achieve by delivering it in one.

mixing swirling;

I'm not sure if the decision to omit a comma was deliberate or not but I don't like it. If it was "mixing, swirling;" it would at least match the tone of the poem.

The final stanza is too simplistic and boring.

Sorry but honestly the whole poem is boring. The main problem (in my opinion) is that you're just writing to write and not writing because you have something to say. Poetry shouldn't be contrived, it needs to come from you. Why not write a poem about your life, detailing the "broken and beautiful" and "mixing" aspects of it? It would be far more impactful, in my opinion.

No offense of course, just trying to steer you into a different direction, take my advice or don't, it's up to you.

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sixoncomingstorms_66OP•

Ahh, I see. Good point. I'm definitely experimenting here, and I've just started to attempt poetry (hah if you can call it that), so this feedback means a lot to me. Thanks!

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Aqec•

keep writing dude, poetry is one of the best forms of expression. don't get dissuaded, I read your other poem from here and you obviously have a lot of potential. just write from within, you know?

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