Source
r/OCPoetry•
Aqec

unintelligible madness

Feedback Received!

hyenas stitched with ragged flesh
take time to toil in my head,
and junkie whores take what's mine
for their fix
in my head,
but there's no fixing my head

and my head?
above the neck, below my chest
surrounds a brain with holes the size of horse-pills
strapped in chains, squeezed for blood
on my own medieval torture rack
I think it's gone to bed

and the pills?
oh, the pills, haha
well they make me something,
I don't know if it's right or wrong.
but who does, right?
and who writes wrongs?
now this is left cliched

and my bed?
memory foam mattress under memory foam sadness
but I'm doing okay now
like a car on a plain
or a plane on a road
or maybe, just maybe
no, no
I won't explode

x o

Posted Apr 26, 2017, 9:08 AM UTC

35
rodrigosann•

Wow, a very nice modernist poem. I like the line "and junkie whores take what's mine, for their fix, in my head, but there's no fixing my head." This line really sets the tone for the rest of the poem. The gritty feel of the poem really captivates the essence of what you're trying to go for. 10/10 !!!

3
BadNo•

Some great ideas in this. Love the memory foam sadness and the holes in the brain the size of horse-pills. I forget the term for the style I wanted to recall to impress every one, so I spent a half hour massaging Naked Lunch queries into Google to no result. Oh well. I like it at any rate.

2
13fullmoon•

Surprising, had to read it 2-3 times, to find it more and more interesting each time.

I like the transitions between stanza:
but there's no fixing my head -> and my head?

And I would just remove the stanza about the pills, keep only the first 2 and the last one, so that you find the same transition again:
I think it's gone to bed -> and my bed?

The pills part actually do not talk to me... It brings back medication, and reality into the madness. It is very concrete and standards, compared to the rest of the poem. What do you need pills for, you have all the madness you need.

2
AqecOP•

would it change your opinion on the pill stanza if you knew that they weren't narrarator's medical pills?

I do agree it's the weakest one but I really liked the "right/write wrong left cliched" thing I did

2
take_a_step_forward•

Great poem! I like the macabre nature of the first stanza, because it does excellently for setting up the mood.

1