On the Edge of Saturn
This isn't my first poem, but it is the first that I've openly shared. So without further ado...
On the Edge of Saturn
I am an empty well, and I am the drawer.
I have neglected myself for too long.
I remember right from wrong, but often that memory is gone,
I let it slip from my mind before too long.
You are a new start.
You are the horizon, of a cliff, on the edge of Saturn,
And I'm still here, getting used to all of your patterns.
I am new; newer than you.
You have been seasoned, salted over time,
releasing truths to the cosmos but I wrestle with lies.
I ask how do I inspire, while you watch on your wire,
Your beady eyes fixed on me, I'm no more than a liar.
I am not the best,
There's plenty more around.
Do not look to me.
I'll only slow you down.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/680ilx/you_stupid_mutt/dgw3p01/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/685909/summers_child/dgwnyna/
Posted Apr 29, 2017, 1:38 PM UTC
I enjoy the flow and rhyme in this poem. It sounds quite nice read aloud.
I'm curious about how this is a new start in the middle, but then the speaker returns to a state of pessimism and... self-hate? While I can understand it, it seems to leave an unpleasant feeling. I can understand it as: the "you" in the poem cannot change the "I" so easily. This seems realistic and I can accept this answer. But, there's something unsatisfying about having a short poem return to the beginning.
I enjoyed the imagery throughout the poem, though it seemed to disappear in the final stanza, which may have been one of the true causes of my dissatisfaction. Yet, content and meaning-wise, I do think ending it this way is effective. Perhaps adding some type of imagery here to close the poem could be effective.
One moment I can claim to not like objectively is the last line of the first stanza. You rhyme too long with too long, which seems redundant considering that long and gone are already partial rhymes. Also, "I let it slip from my mind" says the same thing as "that memory is gone," in my opinion. I think the poem could flow better without that line. I enjoyed the flow of the rest of the poem. Maybe an extra syllable in the second line, but I'm nitpicking at this point.
Overall, I liked the poem and all of these suggestions are just one man's opinion. Cheers!
Wow, you gave some very helpful feedback on this one! Much appreciated!
It's interesting what you say about the final stanza, because out of the whole poem, that's mainly the only part that I felt uneasy about. That part in particular (and to a lesser degree the stanza before it) was coming more from a place of humility than self-hate but even as I was writing it I felt like I was inadvertently walking a very fine line between the two. I really want to avoid using poetry simply as a form of self-deprecation, so I'll need to keep an eye out for that.
That tip on adding some sort of imagery to the end was a great suggestion! I'm already trying to see how I can do that effectively.
Happy to help. I noticed people don't give much in-depth feedback in this forum so I think I'll start trying to. (:
I look forward to seeing more writing from you!