Source
r/OCPoetry•
ActualNameIsLana

Summer's Child

Feedback Received!

#Summer’s Child for Lennon, wherever you may be
 

 I wish that I could tell you, child,
       Each season will be Summer
 That every rose will flourish wild
       And all our days unnumbered.
 I wish every wish you make
       Could be heard by every star.
 I wish to God, for wishes’ sake
       That this was who we are.
       But that's not who we are.
 
 I wish that I could give you this,
       This threadbare meager comfort –
 That every load you ever lift
       Might bless you, unencumbered.
 And that you might, with graceful glee
       Race with it near and far
 I wish I could so guarantee
       That this was who we are.
       But that's not who we are.
 
 Oh, how I wish to hold you close
       And show you every wonder;
 Protect you from the bellicose,
       The lightning and the thunder,
 Stand idly by while you collect
       Your rainbows in a jar.
 I wish that promises were kept.
       But that's not who we are.
       That's just not who we are.

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Posted Apr 28, 2017, 8:33 PM UTC · edited

1110
Aesop-Ben•

I wish your demon missed his way to your dreams in the night ** And spilled his tar within my ears so I can steal your light ** But that's not who he is ** That's just no who he is **

I love this piece. I've read a lot of poetry recently to escape the technicality of my job, but this was the first to move me since the last William Blake poem I read. I like how you break the rhyme in the last two lines of each verse, it makes the piece sound like a song. This was my first read in this sub-reddit, but thanks to you, it will be the first of many.

4
ActualNameIsLanaOP•

To be compared, however obliquely, to the great William Blake is an honor. You flatter me beyond my ability to describe. Thank you.

3
JourneyofKay•

How honest and beautifully told. It's a mother's soul, it has been one of my biggest struggles, learning and teaching that's "not who we are". I've read very few poems, and only recently starting writing poetry, and where I can't critique, I learn. A successful poem to me, flows effortlessly and makes me feel. Thank you.

2
ActualNameIsLanaOP•

I think maybe my piece has been misread, or maybe it's not conveying its meaning well. This is certainly not intended as a didactic piece teaching others how not to act. Thank you for commenting however. The "mother's soul" bit certainly resonates with me.

1
JourneyofKay•

I didn't mean to imply that your piece was meant to teach. I meant I learned from poets, their writing, their flow, what I like, what I don't, what speaks to me, what doesn't. I simply don't know enough about poetry to speak beyond that. This speaks to me, and it spoke to me because of the way I interpreted it and how well it was written. I saw a piece of myself and connected. Sorry if I interpreted incorrectly.

2
Gummyfail•

I swear this piece is basically my poetic fetish. 'cept the dedication i guess. it didn't do much for me
edit: the WB comparison is apt (also (to wax pretentious) makes me think of that Frostian mildness that you have in your best works).

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ActualNameIsLanaOP•

Glad you enjoyed this, and thank you for the encouragement. I understand the lack of connection to the dedication. The piece is for my child, whose name was Lennon. I didn't realize while writing this that it was going to be about him, but once it was done, it was uncanny how perfectly the piece suits my feelings toward and surrounding him. So, the dedication was a bit of an afterthought...but hopefully in the best way possible.

2
Gummyfail•

Well its a wonderful piece, and you're lucky that you're a good enough poet to write for you and everyone else at the same time. I've been able to write very few pieces (read one) that was about a family member that i didn't hate immediately after writing.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

2
Littleallenboy•

"Stanley idly by while you collect Your rainbows in a jar."

Dang. That's good stuff. Great job, great poem.

2