> daemons  

Actually I did not know it was an old form :-) The spelling comes from [Computer language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daemon_(computing\) ). Indeed it is neither an intention, nor a necessity.

Corrected some of the punctuation (thanks for the amateurish, for now I take this as a compliment...) and made a real sentence. For the rest of the comments, need to sleep on it and see how to improve.   

Thanks for the feedback... really appreciate it... 

For the history here is the original version before edits:  
> Bent on my knee,    
the wind on my back,   
Waiting for wounds   
that will never heal,  
White as the snow   
or dark as the coal.  

> They say: Angels  
and daemons have wings…  

> Which ones…  
Shall be mine?  



I confirm, my first language is definitively not English. But that's not really an excuse, my spelling and grammar would probably be as bad in French. That's why I appreciate it being corrected.    

"phenomenal work" ... whouf... that's super cool :-)

Concerning the ellipses, I had to search "idiosyncratic"   
> relating to idiosyncrasy (a mode of behaviour or way of thought peculiar to an individual.); peculiar or individual.
> synonyms:	distinctive, individual, characteristic, peculiar, individualistic, different   

This is actually a great compliment for poetry, was this intended? And I must admit I have a tendency to overuse them. I need to explain to the audience that the time is paused, I'm afraid not to be understood, to go too fast, or to be lost in my mind. 

Yeah, it's possible their first language isn't English, come to think about it. You're right. And if so, I have to qualify my statement by including the fact that, if I had to write creatively in another language, like Spanish or Chinese, I would be absolute shite at it. So, on that scale, where I measure myself by the same yardstick, this is phenomenal work. 

I think what you read as sloppiness is actually bad English. Absolutely no disrespect meant to OP but I don't think English is their first language judging by some conversation I have had with them. 

That being said, your response is a goldmine and it is clear you have a lot of experience in reading and writing poetry. My response to this was a lot more positive because I felt the pauses and breaks in its flow were down to the voice of the writer. L2 and L3 suggest they are in physical pain and it is hard to speak and think in this state. I felt it was on purpose. Maybe I am slightly less cynical! Again, that isn't meant as a slight toward yourself.

As always, I tend to be a bit of a tougher audience than the standard sub user here, so, if you'll allow me, I'd like to niggle a little bit about some details. 

#punctuation

The punctuation is really weirding me out in this piece. There's misplaced commas strewn all over the place. Commas aren't needed between every subordinate clause in a sentence. Only when the subordinate clause *interrupts* the independent clause – and in a few other very specific circumstances.  

Then there's the ellipses (that's the name for the dot dot dot ...) which are entirely unnecessary. There whole thing looks extremely idiosyncratic and amateurish. 

#grammar  

A not​e about clauses and sentence structure: dependent or subordinate clauses are sentence fragments that can't stand on their own as complete thoughts. "bent on my knee" is one. "the wind on my back" is another. "waiting for wounds" is a third. "that will never heal" is a fourth. "White as the snow" is yet another. And "or dark as the coal" 

Actually you read it quite well :-) Did not expect to be read so clearly actually...

Wow, I love the setting this creates. On the surface level it is a windy scene, a proposal, an event where someone's life will change. Then there are the juxtaposition of good and evil, snow and coal. But they both have wings, so they are just as likely to fly, just as likely to become fate. So it takes the established setting and turns it into a philosophical brink, a stage for the division we all face in our lives. Will we be angels? Will we give birth to demons? Will either be birthed to us? What will we be, what will we create, what will happen to us that we cannot control. It's a very intense piece the way I read it, I hope I didn't take it out of context or miss the point entirely. Thanks for sharing!

Seriously? I just had to take a minute there because that is a hell of a compliment. I did not expect my piece to affect someone else's! The new version is very good. be sure to send me anything else you submit :) 

The funny part, is that this is actually an old poem that I wanted to post... and then I read [yours](https://redd.it/68l94b)... and I started reading mine aloud... and it was quite weak... so I took it back and worked on it, cutting pieces, removing obvious imagery and reading it aloud many time... and this gave 'birth' to what was posted here.  

If you are interested, this is what had been written originally... 
> **Wings**  
> I bend on my knee, feeling the wings in my back,  
> ready to be opened, ready to appears,  
> this hurts, I want to cry, I want to scream,  
> opening wounds that will never heal,  
> will they be white, will they be dark,  
> angels and daemon had wings, which one shall be mine?  



I really like this upon a second read. I read a quite distinct voice, one in pain and so can't spend much time on their words. I am guessing that comes from L2 and L3! I just really admire the way you tell a story not just with *what* words you use, but with *how* you use them.

Bent on my knee,    
the wind on my back,   
I'm waiting for wounds   
that will never heal.  

White as the snow   
or dark as the coal,   
they say angels  
and demons have wings.  

Which ones  
Shall be mine?  

&amp;nbsp;  
&amp;nbsp;  

Edit corrected basic grammar and spelling following u/ActualNameIsLana comments...

----

[One](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/67myqu/unintelligible_madness/dgsc356/) and [two](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/67l5q9/fibonacci/dgsedmk/)
