Genesis
So much more
Than simply seconds...
Grains of sand
Wear; wither beckons.
Each breath speaks
Death as their sentence
Winds that coax
Remorse, remembrance.
Rattle leaves,
Dance as the ashes.
Solemn soul
Caught in the branches:
Once made whole,
Fangs render pieces;
Sharks in shoal
Penumbra ceaseless.
Catch the breeze!
Fly as the geese do,
Flee disease
See inner peace through
Finding truth:
A diamond's glitter.
Taste your youth
'Fore it grows bitter.
Free your roots
Plant in the rich loam,
Bask in sun
Embrace your new home.
Tenebrous,
The shadow still looms...
Genesis;
Your beauty yet blooms.
Posted May 1, 2017, 11:56 PM UTC · edited
12
I just typed up a whole response and it got lost.
I like the form and the syllable structure. I don't know that the rhyme is all working, since many of them are rather tenuous rhymes, particularly early on. I suggest making sure each stanza ends on agood clear rhyme. The latter stanzas are better in this regard.
The "ashes" image puzzles me in the second stanza, as it has no context surrounded by tree imagery. And while I quite like the final stanza's image of planting, I question that line "shed your roots". One cannot grow without roots (unless you're trying to say you can). Maybe "pull up roots" gets to the point a little clearer? I like the opening seconds as sand kind of hourglass image.
My biggest trouble in reading it is the punctuation. Without any, it's hard to know which lines go together and takes a few reads to sort out. That's okay, but the two semicolons throw me. I am puzzled by the first, unsure how to read the line, and the second seems unnecessary.
But I like what you're saying here.
The early rhymes are a bit piecemeal, I will admit. They weren't meant to be rigorous; it was much more about capturing the idea of time wearing a person down in the first stanza.
The bit about ashes was meant to suggest that a light breeze scatters them to the wind, where as leaves only rattle. The line is about embracing the freedom of your life, of how despite each breath drawing you closer to the end, all one can do is latch on to each one and fly free, or else be dragged along in endless misery by the burdens that weigh them down.
I took what you said about the punctuation into account. The second semi-colon was out of place. It was late last night when I wrote this, I'd meant for a comma. The first I'll admit is odd, but I was having trouble finding words to fit the scheme. I think I just need to spend more time on that line and on the early part of it in general.