"Me"

Thank you guys, I really tried to create something based on how I was feeling. I appreciate the feedback and will use it to create better work and or edit this one and repost perhaps.

You guys are very helpful and I really like filling me in on some things I can do to improve. All 3 comments were great I really enjoy reading what I can do to get better, Thanks.

I feel like there are a couple lines that are tight, every word used perfectly. Then there are others that sort of just have no purpose/are used as generic "angst" filler. That does not mean it isn't what you feel, I don't want to say that those feelings are not legitimate, but they sort of drag on and fill in the gaps between the real meat.

I would recommend really thinking about what's necessary. You create a bunch, then trim it down until it's nice and compact. Like filling a box of cereal, then you shake it and it goes from full to half.

There were some grammatical errors, though nothing terrible. I'm of the opinion that to become a good writer (especially regarding poetry) you must first understand the rules. If English isn't your native language then you did great.

In one sentence: this poem has moments of authenticity, where you can feel the writer pouring their soul onto paper, but it is followed by less impactful language that brings down the overall experience.

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I think this could benefit from a more structured meter, and a little more show, a little less tell.

As it stands, this is very personal, but it simply tells us how you feel. There's no imagery to let us feel it with you. Closing up the meter to make the poem read in a more measured syllable could help draw the reader in; remember, meter is a tool you can use to set the pace of a poem, to invoke a certain feeling as you read it.

There are also several grammatical errors here, but I feel the above points are much more important to nitpick over than the specifics of your wording. Remember, you're not just telling us how it feels, you have to convey it in a way people can understand. They need to see what you see, feel what you feel. It's hard to sympathize from the other side of a disorder if my mind has no jumping off point to understand the sort of things you deal with.

I agree with what the other two comments say about the poem needing to be cut down and stronger imagery added to enhance the reader's experience. Here are some places I think you could begin to demonstrate rather than simply talk about the difficulties of living with mental illness.

I'm of course trying to replicate what a narrator experiencing both mania and depression might go through. I understand those experiences are in no way universal.

A seed planted in my head with greed

I actually like this metaphor a lot, but it needs to be expanded upon to do it more justice. Is the seed eventually going to place deep roots and absorb your energy and motivation like depression? Or will it grow and creep like a vine and consume everything that made your life feel worthwhile in the process?

The toughest time of my life when I was hospitalized

Can you explain this more? I'm operating under the assumption that the narrator isn't necessarily you, but it would be better to immerse the reader in what a stay in a psych ward is like. The white walls and the lack of privacy, shoes, and belts for example.

I think you have good ideas here, and the poem has quite a bit of potential. If I were to suggest a way to develop it better, it would be to think in images and expand on them.

Also, the poet Robert Lowell describes mania as setting a river on fire and depression as dust in the blood. I've always thought that was such a perfect way to convey what it's like. Anyway, good look with your creative endeavors!