Source
r/OCPoetry•
ItsMeTK

Sometimes

Feedback Received!

Sometimes
I call you by nicknames
From books you've never read
And you like it, though you don't
Like to read. So I read them to you
Sometimes

Sometimes
I'm not around
When you find a spider. I come in
And see you've bravely slain it. You're quick
Though to let me know you'll only do it
Sometimes

Sometimes
I freak out
And you're there. You hold me
When I'm paranoid. I'm glad
You're watching me, even if they are too
Sometimes

Sometimes
While you sleep I study your freckles
And how far down they go in places
I can't see when you're dressed.
I think of connecting them like stars; and I do
Sometimes

Sometimes
I imagine a world where
Your name is a swear word
And I swear
All the time.

1/2

Posted May 2, 2017, 5:23 AM UTC · edited

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[deleted]

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ItsMeTKOP•

Thanks! This is a tighter revision than earlier drafts Some of the earlier bits were sillier and I kind of miss them, but I think this version works better in some ways.

(Clever alliteration in your comment)

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GlantonAndTheGang•

I can't tell if I like the fact that the last stanza ends on the fifth line rather than the sixth or not... I kind of got used to the cadence of the poem, but it jarred me a little and I like that. Ending was clever. Nice work.

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ItsMeTKOP•

There's an earlier version which alternated between 5- and 6-line stanzas, and it's a holdover from that. I go back and forth over the best way to do it, but the last stanza really can't sustain another line without diminishing the punch. I get your point though.

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GlantonAndTheGang•

Yeah, I kind of figured that was the case. Keep up the good work!

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gwrgwir•

The only thing I can find to critique on this piece is the inconsistent punctuation. Descriptions and narrative are solid, and there's a wonderful sense of longing expressed in the piece. Nicely done overall.

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ItsMeTKOP•

You're right, there really should be periods at the end of each stanza. I think I tried not to to maintain the perfect parallel of thr first and last lines, but I probably should put them in. I needed the internal punctuation so the lines read correctly. I like to write so individual lines can have a different reading than the full sentence in context. But I should be consistent in punctuating. Thanks.

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