Source
r/OCPoetry•
GymLeaderCorey

Sad Songs

Feedback Received!

Does everyone see sadness like me?

It's beautiful.

Just like you.

Except sadness is always beautiful,

Because it's a complex emotion.

You're only beautiful in my memories.

I don't think I can forgive you.

Not now.

Not tomorrow.

Not after I grow up.

Not after I forget.

You will always linger in my life,

But I hope I don't linger in yours.

Just because something is beautiful,

We shouldn't hold on to the pain.

Baby your burning hot iron.

So don't mind if I let you go.

1 : https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/68vecz/comment/dh1om2p?st=J2817LN4&sh=37d289d7

2 : https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/68tufs/comment/dh1p5t9?st=J281S4K9&sh=033d46b9

Posted May 2, 2017, 9:11 PM UTC

512
stuartpatten•

"You're only beautiful in my memories." So much emotion packed into that one line. Stunning.

2
GymLeaderCoreyOP•

Thank you for the feedback! Honestly that line was my driving force for the poem, and I felt it could be the turning point.

2
stuartpatten•

Totally get what you mean there, i have quite a few poems like that haha. Keep writing!! I look forward to reading more of your work

2
Eschatonist•

I love the way you handled some of these lines, the best being "you're only beautiful in my memories" and "does everyone see sadness like me?" However, a huge issue I have with this piece is telling instead of showing. It simply seems like the narrator is speaking with line breaks in between. Poetry obviously doesn't have to conform to anyone style but I think this fails in rhetoric and imagery departments.

2
GymLeaderCoreyOP•

I appreciate your feedback! Giving in to a better form of imagery is something that I'm working on in my newer poems. As to the rhetoric, could you elaborate more?

1
Eschatonist•

Not anything specific at all: just play around with devices (alliteration, allusion, anaphora, polysyndeton, asyndeton, consonance, assonance, parallelism, etc.)

3
RandomWhiteDude2•

I like the line "You're only beautiful in my memories." Makes me think of how we romanticize our past.

2
The_Thunderer0•

Second to last line: *you're
Also add 'a' there if it doesn't mess up the flow you were going for.
Optional: add a comma after 'Baby'. It is technically grammatical, but it may create a pause you don't want so you can skip it.
I really like the deliberate nature of the four "not' lines.
There are a lot of really good lines in here, great job!

2
GymLeaderCoreyOP•

Thank you! After posting I did fix some of the grammatical errors in my journal, but I missed the comma after 'Baby' on accident.

1
The_Thunderer0•

No problem! I just posted a poem if you wouldn't mind giving feedback.

2
un-candid-vestibule•

I found some interesting ideas in this piece. But I found the language used to convey those ideas a bit more common, and done before. I think maybe if you played around with the words you are using and try to maybe describe more exactly that maybe it might come out a bit .... more poignantly?

1
GymLeaderCoreyOP•

Thank you for the feedback! Looking at it now, I can certainly see where I could spruce the poem up.

1