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r/OCPoetry•
Gummyfail

Ugaritic Study

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Picture god hung in the sky like a motion light
     hung in the sky like a gold frisbee
A black disk whirring in front
     whirring like a saw
     whirring like a table saw
Picture a black day
     picture the cricket’s chirr in day
This must be an omen
     could this be a portent?
     it must be time for vials poured
It must be time to check the wine
     it must be time to check the new wine
     it must be time to check the old bottles
     it must be time to check the bursting
The sky was carved of Lapis Lazuli
     the blue stretched forever and ever
The sky is carved of onyx
     the dark stretched forever and ever
     the night will last forever and ever
Picture a strange dawn
     picture the sky blueing bright
Surely it was an omen
     surely this will be remembered
     surely i will be remembered

12

Sweet Book on Canaanite Mythology that's got me obssessed

Posted May 3, 2017, 4:42 AM UTC · edited

88
ActualNameIsLana•

Ugh thanks now I gotta buy another book... :-p

2
GummyfailOP•

Changed my understanding of OT Bible completely, and the rigidity of the Ugaritic writing shows these techniques used both in Sumerian and Hebrew poetry in an exaggerated form, while showing some bewildering artifacts that have this strange disregard for standard logic.

2
ButterballHotline•

With the mythological basis (that I am not familiar with) it gives your poem a bit of an ironic twist at the end. "Surely this will be remembered / surely I will be remembered" could be read ironically as Canaanite mythology is such a niche subject.

That being said, my understanding of what this is about: a primitive person seeing a solar eclipse for the first time. "God" here being the sun and the "whirring disk" being the black disc of the moon that appears to be "whirring" due to the eclipse's corona? (Is that the right word, corona?)

This could add even further irony to the poem because, unlike the primitive speaker, we understand that eclipses are a commonplace event in human history.

Overall, I think you've got some really nice and inventive ways of describing your scene.

I am not sure if I like or dislike the parallel but slightly tweaked lines. I think "whirring like a table saw" sticks out the most as an anachronism. But "whirring like a saw" would be an anachronism anyway. "Gold frisbee's" obviously an anachronism too. I like them as a device, but since your speaker seems to be pretty sincere in his amazement here, I think it might be worth considering the possibility that you don't make him some mix of old and new perspectives.

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GummyfailOP•

Yeah, the anachronisms could be any issue, so I'll def try to keep them out of a following attempt.

1
[deleted]•

I do appreciate the colorful imagery and mineralogical motif, as well as the conveyance of the speaker's emotions in a strong yet organized manner. I am not sure if "Lapiz Lazuli" should capitalized, and as another commenter stated the imagery of the "frisbee" and "table saw" seemed a bit anachronistic and mundane in a way that might lessen the poem's impact. Thank you for sharing nonetheless 😊.

1
GummyfailOP•

the capitalization happened without me thinking, I def think its an error.

1
[deleted]•

No problem. It is a minor issue anyways.

1
sir_Boring•

i really liked most of the repetitions in this piece. I also enjoyed the scenery/exposition that you drew with your words. some repetitions, like "the" in the beginning of many lines, did feel a bit dull sometimes. but this piece is very detailed with colors. there's even a soft sense of fantasy between your hyperboles and unique metaphors.

1