when the levee breaks
you crossed my mind. well, cross is the wrong word. streets are crossed.
what you did was crash. storm.
like a berserker on adderall.
storm. like katrina.
and here i am, watching you. letting you. high above, far away.
like george w. bush
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6969pp/good_morning_good_morning/dh56uo4/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/694ujx/a_conversation/dh572br/
Posted May 4, 2017, 11:25 PM UTC
15
I can see what you are trying to say with this but it's very fragmented. Your ending line doesn't make much sense in relation to the rest of the poem.
Are you insinuating that george is a berserker on Adderall? Or is it that the person your talking about in the poem is a dictator like figure?
I would just suggest making your metaphors more clear either by simplifying them or tying them with the between lines better
That last line is really meant to be punchline that sort of turns the poem on it's head. Sort of just bringing in a ridiculous simile, likening the "high above, far away" thing along with the mention of hurricane Katrina to George W. Bush's whole flyover that happened. Kind of a break in tone meant to be unexpected and diffuse the seriousness.