Source
r/OCPoetry•
walkalongwalk

Hostile Architecture

Feedback Received!

I hate the way you sleep

I've filled the corner of my dreams 

With pillars and bad company 

Forced insomnia to delay recovery 

Sent a message to your family, it read

You both know the state they left 

Before welded knives kept their heads 

From entering in any means 

Forget about your memories 

Wet schemes and fantasies 

Lest you miss the bottom bottle 

Pet hospitals and old school fools,

Ignored for the best, 

Fuck your rest,

Go home 

I'd kill you to cleanse the thought of it

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/694w4v/direction/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/69b59t/when_the_levee_breaks/

Posted May 5, 2017, 1:08 AM UTC

13
f_myeah•

I feel an increase in tempo as I read. Although the rythym seemed a bit off, I can't help but read it faster and more aggravated as it goes on. Good sense of emotion, initiated by the second word: hate.

1
walkalongwalkOP•

Thank you

1
gwrgwir•

Punctuation needs work for consistency, the singular obscenity doesn't add to the piece, and the descriptions throughout are on the vague side. The narrator's motivations are unclear, the cadence is sporadic, and though there's emotion, there's nothing to connect that emotion with. What's here appears to be either lines from a larger piece or an unedited draft.

1