Anyone make an attempt, pussy out, and then stop thinking so much about suicide?

It sort of happened to me. I kept putting off my date and making excuses. So one day i decided to make a list of all of my excuses (need will, note, liquidate assets etc). Line by Line, I checked off the list. At the same time I came with strategies to ensure I felt as shitty as possible for when my survival instinct kicked in. I chose a location, made my excuse to be there and ensured i would be uninterpreted. Despite all this I failed to do it once I got there. I think it partly had to do with my bipolar meds starting to work.

So I came to accept that I will pussy out with CTB just like I do with everything else. Perhaps this self loathing caused me to not think about it so much. I still do, it's just it gets shut down by two things: 1) me not being able to follow through and 2) newly developed fear of death. This relates to the acid trips I used to go on and how my psychosis triggered those visuals.

I'm probably all over the place. A symptom of my condition as well. It's difficult for me to maintain a thought process so I apologize in advance.

It sounds like a good thing but it's sort of meh. All of my problems still exist it's just the exit I thought I had is no longer there. On the positive side I have become more comfortable with being a degenerative NEET. I care less about what people think of me not working/having condition. But I can only sustain it for so long.

I feel I connect most with this community despite thinking less of the end. I know the distractions won't last and I will be down this road. I don't know where I'm going with this fuckkkk my mind stuff