Waste of Air

ok here I go. I can't feel anything with this. It reads like a slightly poetic inner monologue, but as a poem put to paper it lacks oomph. I get the point, I know what the narrator is trying to say, but there was no imagery to chew on.

Something I never thought I'd say: this poem needs purple prose. If you don't want to purple it up, then the oomph would need to come from wielding poetry mechanics. Clever usage of meter, rhythm, purposeful stanza creation, couplets, quatrains, etc, you get the point.

As is, everything feels very lukewarm.

Almost all your stanzas, save for one, are four lines. Rhymes flit in and out of this piece. I'd say a good starting point to jazz this up would be to focus on equal stanza lengths and a solid rhyme scheme. Once you have a skeleton in place then you can focus on some linguistic flourish if you choose.

In the beginning of the poem your lines were short and very to the point, but they got longer and longer as it went on. I'd suggest that you keep it short all the way, or go back to the beginning and lengthen those lines up accordingly so that the entire thing is composed of slightly longer lines. Continuity throughout in the line length will make it a more cohesive piece.

One little thing that bothered me, just for uniformity - the stanza lines should all be four, rather than having a one-off five liner. :)

The first few lines really do help to add a heavy, dark and resentful feeling to your poem. I love how in the second paragraph you start to break away and show your own personal mindset of this imaginary character and introduce your own personal thoughts.

However the hell metaphor doesn't work that well with the last stanza, where you wish his/her life to be awful.