Very beautiful and deep, not much criticism on my part just wanna applaud you for the carefully crafted juxtapositions; they work very well to paint the picture and help the reader to understand the irony of the poem, bravo! 

well i think the last stanza doesnt feel connected to the rest of the poem.  

First it talks about loneliness and company, anxiety, longing.   

Then jumps to an existential crisis regarding purpose and self-worth brought by parents.

I love the last stanza of your poem. It is hard hitting and, to me, brilliantly juxtaposes the hopefulness of childhood with the bleakness of adulthood. 

I also think that the length of the last stanza is perfect, and I believe that the first two stanzas could benefit from being slightly shorter. For example, I would remove the words 'quiet' from the first line and 'understood' in the second. I think that this would make it punchier, and then would build up nicely to the last stanza. As the mood of the poem is bleak, fewer words would really put across the sense that there is nothing much left to hope for. 

I also think that removing 'uniquely' from the thirteenth line would give it more impact. As it already stands alone, I feel it should be as short and snappy as possible. 

Overall, a great poem that left me feeling bleak in a good way. 

I really enjoyed this poem. For me, the stand out moment is the one line stanza "we are all uniquely afraid". It dislodges the poem for that brief moment, which brings the line greater effect. The last stanza is particularly harrowing, which is a perfect follow-up to the one line stanza before it.

To touch on the length of stanzas, I think it's effective, intentional or not, that the more "hopeful" stanzas have got a lot more content than the latter stanzas. It suggests an acceptance that, as we progress through life, we have learned what we need to know and have a lot less to say as we settle into routines as adults that we may or may not enjoy.

Wonderful poem, overall. Kudos.

Really good analysis-- I think there's a lot to be economized and charged up in those stanzas and individual word placements; thanks for the suggestions!

The last stanza has a good punch since it's relatable. I have to agree with cutting some words out. As I read the second stanza I felt like there were too many words to say "we walk [down busy streets] with hope no one will bother us as we hurriedly glance for someone to know". Busy streets is like grey mashed potatoes to me because I wish there was something else you could say than "busy" because I just think cars and people. Instead, think of using the senses. Are there so many people that you would brush your hand against someone now and then? Is there a nauseating smell because there are a lot of food vendors? That kind of description will stand out from everyone else using "busy".

For stanza three, how are the lovers horrible to each other? If people are so agitated when they are beside someone, really make me believe it. I really hope you expand on this piece because that last stanza deserves an awesome build-up. Thanks or sharing! Happy reading/writing!

Good job, but this kinda lacks continuity. The stanzas feel kinda choppy and unrelated at times. Definitely could be more fluid. Other than that, I really like your ideas.

The message was clear in the first read, the sentiments are relevant and I liked the poem.


There is a quiet discomfort among us,  
An understood fear of being alone with  
Ourselves, coupled to its sister agitation  
Of existing alongside anyone else.

&amp;nbsp;


It is manifest in our faces as we walk  
Hopefully down busy streets;  
The hope being that no one will bother us,  
As we hurriedly glance for someone to know.  


&amp;nbsp;


It gets tiring counting the days you are  
Not content;  
Lovers are horrible to each other,  
And those without love wonder.  

&amp;nbsp;

We are all uniquely afraid.  



&amp;nbsp;

Our parents teach us that we  
Can be anything,  
But never warn us that we could  
End up being nothing.  
  
  

&amp;nbsp;
  
&amp;nbsp;
  
&amp;nbsp;

  
Feedback links :
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6ca62g/the_burden_of_time_reposted_with_links_sorry/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6c90cy/first_poem_ive_written_in_ages_feel_free_to_tear/

Life Expectancy