Source
r/OCPoetry•
Darksource141

The Burden of Time (Re-posted with links, sorry about that.)

Feedback Received!

My longing has brought countless days

In which my affection for you grows stronger,

Making these days feel longer.

This love is absorbing me in a maddening craze

As the hours pass by spitting sinful thoughts.

Desire can be a twisted thing

Is it my heart or merely the flesh that sings?

I may be judged guilty in love's court,

But perhaps the flesh can kindle ones heart brighter.

The days grow longer,

the hours weigh heavier,

Perhaps a kindred heart would make life feel lighter.

Poet's note: I decided to write this poem since I've been studying Romeo and Juliet for my Literature GCSE, (I have my final the day after tomorrow,) And decided to give the form a shot. I really enjoyed writing this poem, as alot of what I've been thinking, not exactly love related, has played a big factor in forming and shaping this poem. I'll probably write more in the future.

Reviews: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6c5gdu/waste_of_air/dht2l6v/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6bzj3s/four_am/dht2shn/

Posted May 20, 2017, 12:46 PM UTC · edited

23
PoetLaureddit•

Good content! I think there's a couple stylistic things you could do differently to emphasize the titular theme-- if you added some more line break punctuation in the beginning, it will slow it down a bit (it reads quickly as is); I think that might help drive home the emotion.

A couple small changes I might make grammatically/syntactically-- Maybe change the first word of the second line to 'In'? I think right now it reads that your affection is growing stronger for the days themselves. Also, apostrophe in 'love's' in 'loves court'?

Either way, good lines, keep it up!

1
Darksource141OP•

Brilliant feedback, I haven't built on my intuition as a writer yet. I need to read more and it's starting to show.

1
milgita•

Overall, this is okay, but the line "Even the hours pass by spitting sinful thoughts" feels a bit awkward to me. I think part of the problem is the "Even". "Even" can lead to great things, and its potential here doesn't really get fulfilled. Maybe replace it with "As" or "While" to tie the line in with the one before?

I really like the line "Is it my heart or merely the flesh that sings?" It adds some depth of thought to the "maddening craze" the narrator is feeling, while staying true to the obsessive tone.

Nice poem. I hope your final goes well! :)

1