[Wayward] How this sub changed me and saved my marriage.

Thank you. Almost a year ago now, I cheated. The story doesn't matter much as to what happened, but it is something that I will never be able to take back, and the only choice I have ever made that I will truly always regret.

During the affair, and for a while before and after, I was selfish and couldn't even see it. Even when I THOUGHT I had seen it, I hadn't. I listened to podcasts, read books, found forums, etc. But I read and heard what I wanted. A lot of it left me confused.

Then I came across this post. I don't know why, but it meant something, and it brought me to this sub for the first time. I wrote my story and asked for help, but not to hear how it could "all be okay". I felt horrible and I wanted to save my marriage, but I decided I would really spend time trying to listen to what those who had been cheated on (those in my wife's shoes) really felt.

I had been so selfish that I had started to lose empathy. In my first post (under a different name), I started to see the pain. The anger. The overwhelming destructive feeling that I had caused. I stayed up all night that night, writing and reading from the couch in my mom's basement.

The next day I told my wife that I finally could see what I had really done. I explained that I had read others posts all night, written my own, and moved on. I finally just let go of controlling her emotions.

I started individual counseling IMMEDIATELY. I shut up, I listened, and I told her that she wasn't crazy to feel hot and cold. We cried together.

Reconciliation doesn't happen for everyone, BECAUSE ONCE YOU CHEAT, THE LEVEL OF REMORSE THAT YOU FEEL DOESN'T MATTER. You have already destroyed. You don't get to undo it with guilt, self-pity, or even the most real empathy in the world. Let me clarify: a LACK of remorse will destroy any real reconciliation, but the most empathic remorse in the world doesn't EARN you the right to reconciliation. You, plainly, CAN'T earn it. You may be granted the miraculous gift of a chance at reconciliation, but you aren't owed a damn thing. And it took me a long time to learn that.

I learned that it was me. Were we struggling in our marriage? Yes. But what I did was because of ME. I had triggers, I had poor coping strategies, I had weakness and I was selfish. I had to work on THOSE things. I had to change.

I love my wife. I still hate the me that did that to her. Sometimes, in private, I cry heavily for what I did to her, but to her, every day I try to prove that I can once again be a rock in her life. And more than ever, I can see that my wife is the strongest person that I know. I am grateful for the chance at life we have again.

We've done a seminar for marriage, a little counseling, and I still go to counseling individually.

My wife shares a lot of what she goes through still, and we aren't in some magical clearing, but we are happy. Our life is good. Our love is returning and growing every day.

We are coming up on our first anniversary since the affair, and she is very excited to celebrate, which makes me very excited. I am head-over-heels for her.

So thank you, the pain, the support and even the anger in this sub taught me empathy, changed me, and gave my wife a chance to be happy again in the way they SHE wanted to be.

I'll answer questions if you have them.

EDIT: Just for information: the affair lasted a few weeks, and was very emotional (including "I love you's"). The other woman was the same age as us. It was actually scheduled to be revealed with a marriage counselor present (I had already ended it), when an email came through. I lied on many levels, including pretending to single, during the affair. This all happened around August, 2016.