The Royal Retainer Rumble Round 1 Wrap-Up
The results of Round 1 are in! Explanation of the judging system if you need it. I have never seen so many stomps in a single round. Jesus Christ, you people are pent-up, yo.
Going into Round 2, just a friendly reminder that engaging in 20-comment-deep back-and-forths isn’t likely to earn you points and will, in all likelihood, just tick me off while I’m counting them up. And then I’ll hate you as much as I hate u/Not_Excellus for saying that FE7 characters suck.
Also, just for the sake of giving back to you guys for dishing out disses so hard, I’m gonna introduce a little reward scheme: right before the final round, we’ll have a post where you can nominate your favourite burn/comment in any of the preceding rounds (in contest mode, if the mods can oblige), and the top three highest-voted ones will get Reddit Gold from me. That includes matches from round 1, so keep that in the back of your mind.
Without further ado, the results:
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For Seth/Against Dagdar
High-Effort: III
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIII
Low-Effort: II
For Dagdar/Against Seth
High-Effort: IIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIII
Dagdar proves that weapon triangle mastery and good looks aren’t everything by capturing Seth and stealing all his shit. For a guy who made it to the semifinals of the last slapfight, that’s gotta sting.
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For Gunter/Against Sothe
High-Effort: I
Mid-Effort: I
Low-Effort: III
For Sothe/Against Gunter
High-Effort: IIIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: III
By contrast, Sothe, who got knocked out by fucking Ninian in Round 1 last time, finally redeems himself. And you guys barely even mentioned his crop top this time!
With Gunter’s poor showing, this was technically the biggest stomp of the round, but the fewer comments and the lower volume of high-effort burns mean that some of the other ones were actually a bit more brutal. #---
For Eyvel/Against Mycen
High-Effort: III
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIIIIIIII
For Mycen/Against Eyvel
High-Effort: II
Mid-Effort: IIIIIII
Low-Effort: III
We’re still in chapter 1 so Eyvel literally can’t be killed yet. Since we’re going into act 2, Mycen is nowhere to be found. #---
Fuck you guys, I don’t really want to have to tally up 124 comments just to confirm that Felicia got destroyed.
For Marcus/Against Felicia
High-Effort: IIIIIIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIIIIIII
For Felicia/Against Marcus
High-Effort: III
Mid-Effort: IIIII
Low-Effort: IIIIIII
What, did Felicia kill your parents, r/fireemblem?
Not with her Strength!
Hahaa. I’m giving myself a point for that.
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For lightning sword/Against Oifey
High-Effort: IIIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIII
For Oifey/Against lightning sword
High-Effort: II
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIII
Have memes gone too far???
“Laq, including the lightning sword was fucking stupid. Now legitimate characters are going to be knocked out because people think it’s funny to vote for a joke Jeigan.”
You did this, r/fireemblem. Not me. This is on your heads. #---
For Jeigan/Against Finn
High-Effort: III
Mid-Effort: IIIII
Low-Effort:
For Finn/Against Jeigan
High-Effort: IIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: I
This was probably the most boring match of the round simply because it wasn’t really a huge stomp but also wasn’t that close. Where’s the action, the drama?
Anyway, whatever, Finn winns. #---
For Titania/Against Jakob
High-Effort: IIIIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIIII
For Jakob/Against Titania
High-Effort: II
Mid-Effort: III
Low-Effort: I
The three biggest stomps of the round were against the three Fates characters. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, guys.
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For Frederick/Against Merlinus
High-Effort: IIIIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIIIII
For Merlinus/Against Frederick
High-Effort: IIIII
Mid-Effort: IIIIIIIIIII
Low-Effort: IIIII
Holy holepunch, a match that was actually close! Freddy barely clinches it. Rest in peace, sweet Merlinus; Marcus will carry your torch.
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While there are no banned arguments yet, keep in mind that those’ll be added in starting next round (1 per character for the semi-finals and 2 per character for the finals), and that you might want to earn those obvious points in this round instead.
Keep up the good work, r/fireemblem! The first match of round 2, Dagdar vs. Sothe, will be posted tomorrow at 3pm EST as usual.
Posted Jun 13, 2017, 8:28 PM UTC · edited