I'm still struggling with the concept of salvation.

This is a broad topic and this post is going to seem disjointed, but I guess I'm venting and asking for help in general. Several talks with two different priests have not really helped me resolve these problems.

I don't understand salvation as viewed in Orthodoxy.

Salvation is a process towards theosis by cooperating with God's grace (have been saved, being saved, will be saved)? What if the process is interrupted, and then we die? Something about God knowing the state of the heart/soul? How do we know the state of our own heart and disposition towards God? I fear Him more than anything else - for eternal damnation is in store for even some of those who call upon His name. Eternal damnation. That's pretty scary and seems to overshadow His love, in my eyes. Fear is hurting my capacity to love and trust.

What about peaks and trough periods? Most normal, well-meaning people have periods of closeness with God, and periods of distance. Periods of feeling love for one another, and periods of feeling anger, or selfishness, or hate, or what-have-you towards one another. What happens if we are killed when in a trough period? Is committing a sin in a temporary lapse of judgement and dying before formally repenting (or feeling remorse about your actions) grounds for "losing salvation" (or experiencing Hell for eternity)?

I'm terrified of falling into sin, or worldliness, in fear of interrupting this salvation process and then ending up on the side of the goats. It happens often, and then I snap back out of it for a time, and fall back. Christ tells us to cut off our hand if it causes us to sin. I often wish I would die early, in a state of grace, so I no longer have any chances to sin! It would have been much better if I had never been created - then I would not run the risk of Hell. Is a hefty chance of eternal torment worth a small chance of eternal happiness? Perhaps eternal nothingness would have been better.

I do not know who to talk to or where to turn. Maybe you've seen my posts here before. I've read dozens of articles on Orthodoxy's position on salvation, Heaven, and Hell. But it makes my fears grow greater.

Earnestly seek God, pray for mercy and a change of heart and repent. I do, I do. But I'm a sinner! I'm addicted, I'm lustful, I'm angry, I'm selfish, I commit all the major sins. Not all at once, but here and there, and then I repent and say I will no more. And I don't for a time, then I do anyways, even if I think I really meant my repentance. I think there has been progress overall, for I've changed drastically since becoming a Christian a few years ago. But backsliding does occur - and what if I die then? There is no repentance after death. Lord have mercy.

Is it possible those that are damned choose a self-imposed Hell because they prefer the experience of it over union with the righteous God (à la River of Fire)? I've seen a comment on another thread suggest this - reading that kind of clicked for me. If this is the case, how does judgement fit in there? How does that compare with Matthew 7:21? Would it be more accurate to say: those that truly wanted salvation would have accepted it and cooperated with God?