It's a brick wall
That stands
Indescribably wide
And just too tall
Stoic
It pushes back
Against my ever berating
Pillows called fists
In the few instances
Where it has chipped
It was from tools
I hear them
The ones who got through
Chatting and laughing
There are no tools on that side
So I fruitlessly strike
With desperate hope
Posted Jul 26, 2017, 2:24 PM UTC
I disagree with the other comment here. I think that the "pillows called fists" line works very well. The image of pillows berating a brick wall really evokes a sense of futility.
Well thanks Mister!
In terms of subject matter, the piece reminds of Pink Floyd. In terms of execution, I'm not seeing much that isn't prose with line breaks. If there's hope, then the endeavor's not futile. The fist-pillow concept has merit, but needs a focus on the effectiveness rather than the statement itself. The 'others' aren't as interesting as the tools and the chipping, but that's just my view.
I don't like the line "pillows called fists". Using the metaphore of punching a wall, the fists would be in excrutiating pain. Pillows don't remind me of pain. Pillows also take away from the futileness of this endevor. Pillows are weak and don't really give me the feeling that the person is truly trying (which might be intentional) to break the wall. I believe a more bloody line should replace that line to give the feeling of being broken down by the endevor.
Overall I enjoyed the poem because it captures what it feels like to attack a goal one is not prepaired for. It is something that I have felt before, which is a job well done to convey that feeling.
With the "Pillows called fists" I was trying to evoke a sense of almost helplessness in a way. Sort of to play on that feeling you talk about later where whatever the "wall" is here you're trying to break down, your punches are nothing but throwing pillows against bricks.
But I could totally see how it doesn't necessarily fit stylistically I think? The bloodied hands or something else to show futility in that moment could be good, I'll definitely think about it.
Anyway, thanks for your comment it's much appreciated :)