Empty Love

You're not terrible! I loved your rhymes, they didn't seem forced!

There are several lines which were a mouthful and could use a word or two cut out.

It's not terrible. Believe in yourself. I would rearrange some of the words and cut a few. I.e. Line six I would change to perhaps: Quietly weeping in my home. Keep writing!!

I don't think this is terrible! Some of the rhymes do seem forced to me, though. It's not the actual words used, but rather, either 1) the set-up for the rhyme is only a few words long (like the set up to "chalk") or 2) it's kind of a convoluted way to say what you mean (like "while no-one shows any apathy).

I think in general you do a good job of "showing and not telling," showing images of things to evoke feelings rather than stating the feelings outright. The weeping quietly in my home line is a bit more direct in telling the emotion, but it's not egregiously bad either.

I think your rhythm is in general pretty good, though could use a touch-up in certain places (by rearranging words, etc.).

Rhyming in short couplets throughout your piece can end up sounding a bit repetitive and predictable; I think mix it up next time! Try doing some ABAB stuff sometimes.

The other thing is I only have a vague idea of what this is about; I think as poets we often think what we write about is soooo obvious that we obscure it a little bit, and then we were wrong! It becomes too obscure to be relatable, and leaving the abstraction out many times allows for more communicative power, and things not being as strikingly obvious as we thought. Anyway, I know this happens to me! Anyway, those are my thoughts. I think this is a great first attempt. Keep at it! You're doing really well!

There is good emotion in this. Some of the lines feel "wordy" or a tad clunky, but i think some light formatting would help and give it a little more depth/flow. It's hard to really put down how you want the feel to flow, but practice makes perfect. lord knows, i write and re-rewrite tons of times before i'm satisfied and even then, the reader may not take it the way i feel it.

i think your story telling, rhythm and rhymes are good for your first attempt, please keep writing, it will get easier/better.

not bad

Your first attempt at poetry, my first attempt at feedback, seems fair I hope.

The third stanza mentions being sued and I have to ask if that's the reason for the fourth stanza: is it? If it's not, then it really seems out of place. I apologize if it's obvious that it is indeed meant to be there.

I did enjoy the imagery of earth, God, clouds, watching from above, etc but I wanted to see more of that in the second part as well.

The rhymes are great but I believe the lines could use different wordings here and there, but that has already been suggested. I liked it. :)

This is what I thought when making the poem, but it's just one interpretation. This is open to interpretation.

A man who lost all his friends and family is alone, while the souls of his loved ones look down upon him from above; as explained in the second stanza. After being depressed for awhile, he finds the only true love of his life. THE GIRL DIES, as said in stanza one. In stanza three, it says "family will write." By that I mean the family of the girl. He joined her family because it was all he had left. But the family of the girl thinks that the guy killed her, and sues him in court. They win, he loses money (somehow), and is thrown deeper into depression. He cuts himself because he is suicidal and thinks he has nothing left. Though it's dark, I think he just allows his blood to fall on the ground. When he tries washing it, the blood won't come out.

So not even I know what's going on really. It's all open to interpretation. There really is no RIGHT answer.

You are not terrible! This was really good, I agree with others that your rhyming seems so natural. There were parts where I found myself having to reread a line or two due to wording. But for this to be you starting out it's great!

(I'm learning too, so I don't mean my comment to sound like I know it all!)