Your message here is very clear, and I enjoyed your rhymes. I would spend some time on rhythm--not saying it has to be perfect, but right now you have some lines that prevent it from being read smoothly.


I think the jump in stanza two from addressing "you" to addressing a random "they" that never returns is a little bit jarring. I would either take out the "they" in favor of "you" or expand on the "they" elsewhere.


in general, as I said, your message is clear--but maybe a little too clear. I'm not seeing much in the way of metaphor. 


As far as emotion, your tone is angry, but particularly in the first line, it doesn't convey anything to the reader--just listing negative qualities about someone isn't enough to create any passion in my opinion. there are a few references to religion that could be expanded upon ("Jesus was a refugee" "committing mortal sin") to more heavily critique the contrast in this person's actions versus their so-called beliefs. that could be interesting.


I 

Oh, you're really good at this! Thanks for the feedback and the great example of quality feedback... This is exactly what I need to hear. I only started writing this past January. It can be intimidating to both post poems and give feedback. I'm going to try polishing it up a bit. Thanks again!

You are clear and concise with your thought. It is a thought that is felt by a  lot of people right now, and it connects. As a couple of people commented before me, I'd like for you to add something to the shared sentiment. Something uniquely you. Something no one else has said yet that applies to you but may apply to all that share the feeling. Good work though. Nice and tight, good rhythm, good rhyme.

What does writing this as a poem add?  I feel like if there's no reason why your poem has to be a poem to convey the information it contains, then it probably shouldn't be one.  Not a fan of most hyper-political poetry for this reason.  Leave that shit in essays, it works better anyway.

narcissistic freak-show  
cares only how his profits grow  
racist, bigot, hypocrite   
stupid, sexist, full of shit  
&amp;nbsp;

and they call themselves "pro-life"?  
yeah, only if your ass is white   
turn your back on those in need  
Jesus was a refugee  
&amp;nbsp; 

protect us from terrorists?  
you cause even more unrest  
signing orders with a grin  
while committing mortal sin  
&amp;nbsp;

most of us don't like you  
and there's nothing you can do  
stand up, fight it, resist it all  
we won't give up 'til you fall  



https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6q2yrt/sister/dkvtn9i/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6q9e3m/empty_love/dkvtcmt/