Dad died almost a year ago. Mom is still struggling. I'm stumped & feeling stuck.
I'm not sure if anyone can offer advice. Though my parents are/were seniors, in their mid-70s, they are generally healthy for their age. As such, dad's death was very sudden and unexpected. Bicycling accident.
Mom was codependent on him. She's struggling on several levels. I think she'd benefit from therapy, but she balks because she's a bit old school. "What good will talking about it do?" Pastor is no-go because she doesn't want her church buddies to find out. And yet she continues to have random breakdowns, struggles to make decisions on her own, and on top of everything, she's also having some memory losses, which Dad and I noticed ~2 years ago, and chronic health problems.
I do what I can to help around the house, and I'm trying hard to be patient with her. I know grief takes time, and doesn't ever really go away. But I don't want to be her rock. I don't want her leaning on me. I'm dealing with my own shit.
So, I guess my question is: what can I do? I don't want to just dip out and leave her floundering. And yet, that's exactly what I want, minus the floundering. Conflicting. Yes, I know I probably would benefit from therapy, myself, but this area isn't deaf-friendly. I'll make do. I just...don't know what the right thing is to do.
If there's a better sub for this sort of thing, please point me there.
Posted Sep 20, 2017, 10:06 PM UTC
Hey there. This might not be the most ..obedient...advice, but I truly believe there's a time for going against a parent's wishes, telling tales out of school, and generally sneaking around behind their back.
I'd go to the pastor, myself, and spill all. If they're good savvy clergy, they'll show up for a home visit and winkle out all the same information themselves "for the first time." If they're really good, they'll casually drop that Missus X (name some very respected member of the church) found a certain therapist or grief group very helpful when she was in the same stage -- and then they'll get Missus X to drop your mom a line and share the address.
As soon as she knows someone she admires has reached out for help, it'll give her permission to get it herself -- does that make sense?
Of course, it all depends on the clergy person having a certain level of understanding/craft, which only you can know.
In any case, hang in there, and I'm sorry. I remember a long ago post about a wooden swift -- did your dad get a chance to finish it?
70's is too young. That puts you in your forties, maybe, when we know we're going to lose our parents, but not really ready for it yet.
My dad was 72, which was hard, but divorced so my mom wasn't as affected... which is easier -- I guess? -- although I sometimes wish I had her to share grief with. Mneh. Death is hard one way or the other, we don't get a free pass.
Thank you. :) Dad finished the swift, and I've used it a few times. It's got a wicked wobble and looks very homemade because he wasn't too steady with the drill and eyeballed his aim, but it does the job. I'll make another at some point, but will keep this one for sentimental reasons.
It's a fairly big church, and I get the impression that the pastor isn't ... hmm ... what's a good way to put it? Too many people to develop a genuine, open line of communication with them. He knows a few people's names, mainly the ones who are active w/ church fundraisers, big donors, and whatnot. One of her church buddies is a fundraiser person, who also helps w/ his office admin stuff, and mom is concerned that if she goes in, this person will find out. You've a good idea on doing an end-run around and reaching out to someone she admires and respects. I'll have to think on who the ideal person would be. I know she respects a couple family members, who also lost their spouses relatively recently, but they're also pretty gossipy.
I'm in my 30s, actually, but my sibs are older. We were sorta mentally prepared for their passing, yeah. It sucks, but no one escapes it. It's almost harder to watch a strong, vibrant, kick-ass mom transform into this clingy, fearful shell of her old self. A part of me thinks -- or more accurately, hopes -- that if she got some therapy, she could regain some of that. I don't know if that's something therapy could accomplish, tho.
I'm rambling. Oh, the perils of late-night gin. How've you been?
I'm sorry for your loss. I've experienced the same, father passed unexpectantly, mother struggled. It has been ten years and my mother, I'm sad to say, has a hard time thinking clearly (she's 60), she repeats herself to the point she only talks about three topics and the same points each time. Pointing that out hurts her. I have no advice in how to do it better. Psychology only helps if you have that perfect doctor. I'm convinced "counseling" is unteachable. Pastor might help, though my mom used that as well (she went super intense to therapy, burned through cash, no benefit). The only visible benefit is doing things with her, keeping her mind busy. I would have my mother crochet for me (hyper exaggerate how my "friends" kept begging for them), we goto lunch, but it gets harder for me. I guess I'd advice getting her into activities to avoid mental deteriation caused by grief consumption.
I wish you well and ache for you, and all who suffer. Life is hard.
Hugs from a virtual stranger.
Yeah, mom's a broken record these days. When she sleeps, it's not too bad. She's able to hide it well, and has unconsciously developed coping mechanisms like copious list-making and obsessive schedule-keeping. So, to people outside the family, everything looks fine.
These days her main topics are the weather and planning meals. Talking about anything else like local news, books, politics, whatever, is like pulling teeth. And on her bad days, the memory lapses are much more noticeable, she forgets words and how to do things, and has severe mood swings.
As an example (Your mention of crocheting reminded me), she's been knitting since she was a child. A couple of months ago, she called me in a panic -- "How do I make a purl stitch!?" I knit, so I was able to help out. But that's...heartbreaking.
My siblings don't know, I don't think. I'm not sure dad ever said something to them. I anticipate moving away from this area (dislike this town) eventually, and I've been debating on whether to tell them. I probably will. Sis, who lives nearby, will be pissed because she'll view it as me putting the burden on her. Tough tits, sis.
Lately I've been encouraging her to do things with her friends, thinking that socializing will help mentally. She's very reluctant because she "doesn't want to be a bother" even though they're retired, too. She has no interest in developing new activities or hobbies on her own, yet complains of being bored. And as you note, that's probably detrimental. Too much downtime, too much dwelling, getting stuck into a grief loop...
I haven't figured out a solution since my original post, unfortunately. I wish you well, too, and the strength you need to take care of yourself.