Source
r/askgaybros•
Andrew985

"Are you gay?"

A lot of gay dudes think they're being clever by dodging this question ("why does it matter?", "it is rude to ask that", etc.). But here's thing: straight guys have no reason to hide their sexuality. There is no reason why they would get defensive or try to dodge the question. In fact, most straight guys would be eager to confirm that they are not gay.

If people ask this question, then they're already suspicious of your sexuality. Answering this question with anything besides "I'm straight" means you have something to hide and thus confirms their suspicions. Anything besides "I'm straight" means you are essentially coming out to them.

Agree or disagree?

EDIT: for clarity, I'm talking about if a friend/classmate/family member asks you. Not talking about some stranger trying to get into your business.

Posted Oct 15, 2017, 2:38 PM UTC · edited

1049
curlymesslotrmy idea of a perfect date is making out to satanic music•

Agree.

But also, dude, some people just don't feel comfortable saying it. I was one of them and I dodged the question even tho I knew I was confirming it by not saying it. Just, you know, let them be, they'll come around eventually.

But yes, saying something other than ''I'm straight'' is admitting that you aren't.

32
Andrew985OP•

I dodged the question even tho I knew I was confirming it by not saying it.

This is all I am asking for, really: for guys to understand the situation.

Guys are welcome to answer the question however they please, they just need to know that they're not being clever and throwing people off their trail.

5
dcbro85•

I don't think it's always about "being clever." I think a lot of folks, myself included, are uncomfortable with these labels that tend to draw sweeping judgments we don't identify with. No one is solely defined by who or what gets them off, or any other single part of their lives. Frankly, I think it says a lot more about the person asking the question that it was asked in the first place, than it does about the person avoiding it.

3
thevalleyofme•

Really you don't have to answer yourself to anyone especially a stranger.

19
Andrew985OP•

Ask yourself: would a straight guy dodge the question like that? No, they wouldn't.

1†
BobsBurger1•

Doesn't matter what it implies he's right, you don't have to answer any personal questions about yourself from a stranger.

If someone walked up to a women and asked what her salary was? Would you assume she is insecure about her salary if she didn't respond? Nope, it's perfectly normal to not disclose personal things about yourself.

Also a gay person can easily just lie and say he's straight if he's not comfortable saying gay. You're reading way too much into this. At least look for clues to deceit like body language and patterns.

13
Andrew985OP•

Of course you don't have to, but "no answer" is an answer in and of itself. It's dodging the question.

Sexuality is something that is expressed every day of our lives. When you look at a hot guy/girl across the room; when you watch porn; when you talk with your friends about which celebrities are hot; when you hold hands with your partner. And so on. The world is catered to straight men: there is absolutely no reason for a guy to hide his sexuality unless he's not straight.

There are plenty of reasons not to talk about salary with other people, however (jealousy being the main one), so you really cannot compare them.

7
thevalleyofme•

I feel your putting too much emphasis on labelling yourself with your sexuality. The most important thing is too treat people with kindness and respect.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You don't have to answer a personal question if you do not feel comfortable.

Just remember you are more than your sexuality.

1
LastSixTaken•

Missing the point.

2
CIearMind•

Ah the heteronormativity.

4
Zizara42Homo Erectus•

"Are you interested?"

11
Andrew985OP•

Would a straight guy deflect the question back at them?

1
Zizara42Homo Erectus•

Probably. If you're really gonna ask such a vulgar and socially awkward question you shouldn't be surprised at getting such a sarcastic response, at least here in the UK.

3
Andrew985OP•

Vulgar? LMAO. It's personal sure, but nothing vile.

Straight guys would confirm their sexuality without even having to think about it.

4
50M3K00K•

Ok? And?

6
Zizara42Homo Erectus•

Vulgar: ˈvʌlɡə - adjective

lacking sophistication or good taste; making explicit or offensive reference to sex and bodily functions; coarse and rude

0
JustARandomLostGuy•

This would also work here in Spain, especially if you are laughing like it would be uncomfortable to ever thinking about being gay.

3
lovemountians•

Agree. There is a one bisexual guy who got angry when someone called him gay but when we ask him what is his sexuality, he would say it's non of your business.

6
Andrew985OP•

Whenever someone would ask me if I was gay, I would truthfully answer "no".

No one ever asked me "are you bisexual?"

2
lovemountians•

If someone asked you "are you gay? " you should say "no I'm straight" or "no I'm bisexual ". That guy was so rude, he said its non of your business

2
Andrew985OP•

They asked if I was gay, which is a yes/no question. By saying "no", the "I'm straight" is implied.

If they phrased it the question differently, then yes I would have answered differently.

2
SoberSith_Sanguinity•

I prefer the ending that they can take whatever meaning they want. We all know theyre gonna think "Straight". Its too easy. Blended sexuality is tough for some.

Sure hurts when gays dislike/distrust us innately simply cuz we can love women too =/ I like people. Even effeminate types.

2
FriesBaconNaked501•

In thinking it over, you're right. I've tried several responses in practice, some are smooth, but in the long run, I think the only one that ever came close to working was "Oh God, I hope not; I don't need another hangup".

Even that one sags in the middle.

4
Andrew985OP•

Yeah, "I hope not" isn't exactly convincing

2
FriesBaconNaked501•

I don't know that it was convincing, but it killed the conversation.

2
Hexomin•

Very true. It's actually how I first came out. A friend asked me and I just awkwardly stumbled over my words and then fell silent. My inability to respond was an answer in itself. I'd been asked before and I always denied it, not because I was trying to hide, but because I genuinely didn't think I was. That time was different, since I had been seriously thinking about it and slowly coming to the realisation that I wasn't straight. I was just caught off guard and couldn't formulate a convincing lie.

I'm actually glad he asked, since I think it would have taken me a lot longer to actually be able to say 'I'm gay' out loud to someone.

3
Andrew985OP•

The only reason I came out to my mom was because she asked. I don't think I could have told her outright.

1
JoMax213•

The first sentence... I don't think it's about being clever. Some just don't want them to know bc:

  • we're not attracted to you
  • we're not comfortable with the fact ourselves
  • they always ask in a large group of people, as if everyone has to know.
  • it'll forever be a shit pick up line lmao. there are better ways.
  • some people are actually private about their dating life, and again, always in front of a crowd.

Other than that I agree. They're kinda annoying with that tbh. Literally what's the point of them asking? You're not gonna date me, and sure as hell not gonna play matchmaker with someone I'm 95% incompatible with.

3
LastSixTaken•

True.

I've never been asked point blank, so I wouldn't know, but that makes a lot of sense.

2
beauherz20•

I agree. Was wondering this myself the other day. Now I can hopefully lie better

2
msarzo73•

Agreed. If a guy asks you "do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend," that's an indication that he's pretty sure you're gay.

I was sure said person who asked me that once was going to be homophobic, so I simply answered the above question with, "I'm single." It took a couple of months later before I finally came out to him. Turns out he definitely is not homophobic.

2
brownnoserfaggot•

Yes, that's true .. I just answer no. When they ask if I have a girlfriend, I also answer no. Let curiosity kill them. It's not their business means it's not their business.

1
Andrew985OP•

Those are totally acceptable answers.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
Andrew985OP•

Makes sense.

I guess I should have been more clear in my OP. Wasn't really talking about a stranger asking you, but it seems that was the interpretation a lot of you had. I'll make an edit.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

Most are closeted and would rather keep it to themselves, I'm guessing you're in a frat?

1
Andrew985OP•

I understand that, but if they want to stay closeted they need to lie. Dodging the question or refusing to answer are red flags.

1
[deleted]•

lying is a good thing if they wanna protect themselves from homophobia, some dude who was in a frat was always getting this gay guy to come out and was being disrespectful about it.

1
capitulatedbyseven•

No, but I'm a bloody good actor.

1
gmk3I should try to wake up•

I doubt people think they're being clever. It's more about letting the other person know that that is just not a cool question to ask. If I want you to know, I will let you know. Even if you are a friend or a family member.

1