Source
r/JUSTNOMIL•
breakfastpotato

Don't rock the boat.

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

 

Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)

Posted Oct 20, 2017, 11:27 PM UTC

2.4K142
thoughtdancer•

Dear Mods.

Save this somewhere for everyone to find for as long as the subreddit exists.

Please!

Me

647
Katetara276•

I agree, this is a great analogy

106
arborealchick12•

It really is! Thanks for writing this OP, it's beautiful.

43
We_Are_All_Deluded•

It's an analogy for the thing

27
Mulanisabamf•

And my axe!

Seriously, it is too beautiful to waste away, slowly gathering dust in the ever growing older post log thingie.

5
lex_discipulus•

Agreed!

30
Littlekris1656•

This! ^

24
NotTheGlamma•

Yes! Please

9
Alliainen•

I’ll sign this petition too!

7
hazeldazeI•

agreed!

4
g_pelly•

Agreed!

2
author124•

Very good comparison, it’s such a thorough explanation on why this phrase sucks for the people who are trying to improve things.

224
candy_land_reject•

I seriously never thought of it like this! This is an awesome analogy. Do you mind if I bring this up in therapy next week? It really defines how I feel right now.

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breakfastpotatoOP•

Please do, if it helps! I've shown my therapist reddit posts before when they really articulated what I was struggling to say, or advice that I thought was good but wanted her opinion. I didn't even think to ask permission first.

131
candy_land_reject•

It will. I have a huge issue with expressing how I feel, and this will really help.

My therapist also knows I post here and he has even said that since I started posting, I have been more open in therapy and have really started scratching the surface of then issues I have.

30
TheLadyBacon•

I have been NC with my dad for almost 11 months. This analogy feels like my life right now. It just feels like the rest of my immediate family thinks that I’m the one who’s causing the problem. Standing up for myself and taking this huge step back has done so much for my mental health. But they can’t seem to see it that way.

This post really hit home for me, so thank you.

120
breakfastpotatoOP•

You know it's not your fault, and I hope that one day your family realises it too. Keep looking after yourself.

In the meantime, may your boat be steady and strong, and far away from any ripples your dad might cause.

61
TheLadyBacon•

Thank you. I struggle a lot with feeling like he won’t change his behavior because I’m not worth it. I KNOW in my head that it has nothing to do with me but I’m in therapy because my heart won’t let it go.

11
hazeldazeI•

OP, maybe xpost this to rbn? It's a really helpful post.

9
ManForReal•

But they can’t seem to see it that way.

Faaaaamily: "You listen here, TLB! Get back on the USS Misery right now! Building your own boat & rowing away reminds us that we could too! And without you, we have to work harder to keep the boat from capsizing! You stop that and get back in here! What do you think - that you're better than us?"

32
TheLadyBacon•

You know, they aren’t even that bad. It’s just little things that remind me that they all think that I’m the one who’s causing the problem and that I don’t feel like I really have any familial support except my husband.

7
PyriteBismuth•

I am in the same boat as you (heh). I went NC with my Mother early this year and I've been told that even though she acts like a bitch, I am also a bitch for going NC. She could stop acting like a bitch but oh no, it is me who should. Going NC has improved my mental health a ton, so no plans on changing it.

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TheLadyBacon•

My mom asked me how I can be happy like this. The truth is, I’m not happier. I wish I had a dad who knew how to handle his anger and who knew how to treat me with respect. I wish I had a father who took interest in me and my life. But the reality is that I don’t and it’s better for me to not keep putting myself in a position where I keep getting hurt.

17
breakfastpotatoOP•

I know those feels. I'm not "happy", I'm just... surviving.

You deserved a better parent.

There's no advice I can give you to help with the complicated feelings, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

8
TheLadyBacon•

Thank you. :/

3
ThingsAwry•

Pretty apt comparison.

That said it put that song in my head and who knows long how it will be stuck there.

Therefore I have to give this post a 0/10.

:P

90
breakfastpotatoOP•

I think that's a fair score, since now it's stuck in my head too :)

45
PSLs_and_puffy_vests•

I have no dollars, but I offer you !RedditSilver

89
breakfastpotatoOP•

Thank you! Honestly, I'm happy when I get a single upvote. Silver is amazing!

68
nimmalt•

a single upboat.

FTFY

36
Laquila•

Well deserved. I love your analogy. It describes these situations so perfectly.

11
RedditSilverRobot•

###Here's your Reddit Silver, breakfastpotato!

u/breakfastpotato has received silver 1 time. (given by u/PSLs_and_puffy_vests) info

35
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
torchwood_cooper•

Don't rock the boat, be the bigger person, just let it go... all phrases that mean "just go with it so I don't have to hear about it later because that's unpleasant for me, and even though you aren't the one causing it, you not going with their wishes gives me an easy out to blame you instead of the troublemaker"... heard many times in my life and I still do and it drives me absolutely batty

72
supremeanonymity•

My enablers' favorite saying is "just keep the peace." Ugh. I hate that phrase so fucking much.

30
Burnytheclown•

My mom kept telling me that in regards to Cookie, like, there’s a time to avoid conflict and be the bigger person but when the shit keeps happening over and over and over again? Smacking them with the goddamn oar gets really tempting fast.

24
crabcrabbycrab•

In my family it's "go along to get along." Ugh....

5
KeeperofAmmut7•

Me too. I'm the boat flipper. The square peg. The odd one.

3
Jarreth68•

'Take one for the team'. Literally feel sick when I hear this now. Usually accompanied by 'you're the clever one, just apologise,you don't have to mean it. What about me? She'll just start on me if you don't.' Took 46 years and a breakdown to realise what was going on. They won't admit it, it's my fault for being ungrateful.

25
RestrainedGold•

'you're the clever one,

And with that little phrase, they use your own pride against you. "I get to be the clever one, if I don't make this work, then I am not clever." Followed by the over-arching attitude towards the Boat-rocker that they are dumb, and those of us boat steadiers get our feeling of superiority from outsmarting the "dumb" one.

If your boat rocker is anything like my MIL, she thinks she is the smart one who has all of us "dumb" boat steadiers catering to her... because she is playing the "dumb" one.

11
wrincewind•

take one for the team. One? Sure? Two? Fuck right off.

7
IrascibleOcelot•

One? Okay.

An hour? Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

3
iamjacksleakyfaucet•

This is such a great analogy. Thank you for sharing!

66
DecriesYourOpinions•

See...the ones that are actually rocking the boat think they ARE the boat, and in their self-centered normalization of BS think the sane and rational ones are doing the rocking. For sake of discussion this could be called Nautical Relativity.

62
polyaphrodite•

I like your expansion on that! Because the boat rockers have no concept of people existing outside themselves. Just extensions of themselves. So the boat rockers are just trying to move their “puppets” around and can’t seem to understand how the puppets can leave.

27
LuckyNinefingers•

This deserves to be printed out in small but funky font on a thingy you can hang in your kitchen. Like those "trust me on the sunscreen" things.

56
breakfastpotatoOP•

I'm not very artistic but I can cross-stitch. Might have to shorten it a bit...

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Don't rock the boat,

Push the bitch over.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

112
ClarinetistBreakfast•

I like "chuck the bitch overboard," it has a nice ring to it.

55
RestrainedGold•

hey, that was the solution to Jonah.

5
DeeBee1968•

But, unlike the boat-rockers here, Jonah suggested it himself... because he knew it was on his account !

2
ThingsAwry•

Personally I am a fan of the word toss.

Toss has hard start and soft finish.

4
yutz418•

Lifelong sailor here; adding 'over the side' makes it the correct nautical terminology.

7
BlushingDragon•

Compliments on your writing and analogy. It's really a great way of explaining N's.

43
fruitjerky•

And the sub broke out in a roaring applause.

43
steven8765•

sub? i thought we were talking about boats.

26
nimmalt•

The whole fleet then?

15
g33k1977•

And the sub broke out in a roaring rowing applause.

14
IHocMIL•

I'm considering petitioning the mods to institute a fine on dad jokes that appear in this thread. You should be ashamed. That was terrible. ;)

11
g33k1977•

Well as long as the fine is the same as the puppy tax, I'm perfectly ok with paying it for each infraction!

9
Sinvisigoth•

Paid in full.

4
1quirky1•

While I can't write as eloquently as the author, I have an idea to add.

The boat rocker sees you both in your stable boat. In a fit of jealousy, rage, and anger, she does her best to sink your boat. Failing that, she's content to spook DH into familiar behavior. DH starts to rock your still boat, you are scorned for not steadying it, and the boat rocker smugly smiles.

Relief can only come from a figurative distance of no contact or the literal distance of sailing away.

40
IHocMIL•

I'd give you a standing ovation if I could. That was fucking beautiful.

37
StepmomsAreEvil•

Agreed

Seriously good shit

14
RestrainedGold•

Well, you atleast have a whole slew of boat rockers - and sometimes they synchronize and get that whole harmonic frequency!

7
xmck11•

Related: I attended a Mennonite wedding. The sermon was given by the bride's uncle. It really struck my husband and I and it went something like this:

We are all in row boats headed down the river of the life. The river of life has rapids, calm spots and rocks under water. Our family shares a boat and it takes two people to chart a steady course and take turns on the oars. Lucky people come alongside another families boat and decide "Hey, things are a bit crowded in my boat, we should build our own boat!" So two people decide to build a boat together. But it is really hard, and nerve-wracking to step from one moving boat to another. You have to be brave. And you have to do it. If you try to go down a moving river with a leg in two different boats you are going to drown. It's okay to travel alongside, close to your family's boat if that feels right, but you need to have both feet in your own, and you need to help your partner row and steer and avoid the rocks and navigate the rapids.

29
needadrinkforthis•

Wow!

6
This_way_lies_madnes•

Seconded.

2
sethra007•

!RedditSilver

1
RedditSilverRobot•

Here's your Reddit Silver, xmck11!

u/xmck11 has received silver 3 times. (given by u/sethra007) info

1
futureinlawsfromhell•

I love this so much

1
devilvaginamagician•

This is fantastic. Can't wait to show FH. FFIL has actually said "don't rock the boat" before. This provides some pretty thought provoking comebacks...

26
steven8765•

Then there's Olga. she lights her own boat on fire then screams at others for help when they aren't even in the same lake. every now and then i like to torpedo her boat too.

26
Sinvisigoth•

That wench would have lit a ciggie with a blowtorch while travelling on the Hindenburg and then blamed the ground for getting too close.

9
steven8765•

lol!

6
TheresNoCakeOnlyFire•

Oh. My. God.

I needed this so much today, thank you so much u/breakfastpotato.

New justNOmil motto!!

PITCH THE BITCH! (Overboard)

25
nimmalt•

PITCH THE BITCH

PUNT THE CUNT

THOW THE HOE

15
sadnesssbowl•

CHUCK THE FUCK

HEAVE THE PEEVE

LAUNCH THE SQUANCH

DEFENESTRATE THE PRATE

2
Ilostmyratfairy•

That's a really great analogy! Thank you for sharing it.

22
culturaldiff•

Excuse me while I link this to DH.

Or better yet, print it out and tape it to the bathroom mirror.

Yes, I like that idea best.

22