Source
r/OCPoetry•
Splurgethesnow

FM 111.17

Feedback Received!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ai7i2/three_variations_on_intimacy/dpbs55a

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7am6i4/in_the_korean_spa/dpbs1cs

Your radio signals stopped coming in

About as long as a blizzard lasts

You know those long cold days when you

Aren't sure when it's going to end

And I lay there listening to static

Hearing the demons in my attic

Banging pots and pans because

The last thing I should do while I wait is sleep

It lasted six days

Without a word

And finally you trudged back

And finally seeing you again

I was wrenched to the floor

Stunned again by what I saw

Because goddamn

And you opened your mouth

And I saw those teeth you love so much

And you let out wasps

I thought about bees

But they have a purpose other than killing

And you tore at my throat

With excuses of drinks

That made you a little tipsier

Than you think

And you felt

Justified

But your lips had been poisoned

Not by the drinks

But the thoughts

And infidelity

Of spit swapping

And tonsil hockey

And I remember telling you

Once I liked the cold

But for once I had been chilled

To the Bone

And I walked into the storm

And you called after me

But words cannot stop actions

And I gave up on getting warmer

Posted Nov 4, 2017, 7:18 AM UTC

44
grumpy_old•

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with a previous comment and say that I really like 'But for once I had been chilled/To the Bone' because without the capitalization it's really just a horrible cliché but with the capitalization it's a pretty good joke.

Something this grim is always going to go down better with a little humor.

3
codadun•

You make a good point! I think reading it as a cliche before realising it could be a pun got me muddled. It is pretty damn funny.

2
codadun•

I quite like this.

'Stunned again by what I saw/Because Goddamn' Is funny. I reckon it works well because its meaning only becomes clear midway through the next line. Then sets you up for the betrayal of the next few lines.

You might not want to bother fixing it for this poem, but going forward, watch that your metaphors are complimentary. The wasps and bees are unrelated to the winter and cold, in fact, they evoke summer for me yet don't seem to fit.

The capitalisation on 'chilled to the Bone' isn't necessary, and the implications of the emphasis, in the context of tonsil hockey and spit swapping, is a rather bawdy pun.

'your lips had been poisoned' is a bit of a cliche, could easily be made more original and meaningful.

The poem certainly communicates that feelings of 'Okay. Enough.' after being hung out to dry. No small feat.

All just my opinion though, have a good one stranger!

2
bourbon_born•

Good job on the poem! I quite like the metaphor of the Radio Signal and Blizzard.

I like the symbols you've used to express your emotions, and I think they work, given the theme and the mood of the narrator in the poem. I think of the metaphors as the randomness of songs that are played on a radio station.

I do suggest that you take a look at capitalizations and line breaks a little more closely, because they are incredibly important in the context of meaning making. I also suggest that you check for tenses , stick to one because in 'About as long as a blizzard lasts', 'lasts' seem to be a little off. Do try to stay away from clichés a bit, but even if you decide to use it, consider putting a twist in them. However, using clichés sparsely never hurt anyone, so it's alright.

Keep writing!

2