I like that better because a constellation is a kind of self-deception; they're just patterns someone made up. I still think the part about scraping skin fits better further down, maybe at the end of the second stanza.

I originally planned on putting 'constellation' where the 'galaxy' us. Do you think it would balance both issues out? 

The use of "galaxy" in the fourth line seems like a forced metaphor to me. We usually can't see galaxies with the naked eye. Also, the end of the first stanza doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I can see how it reinforces the protagonist's despair, but it leads me to believe the poem is going to take a more literal direction, describing physical distress. I would suggest cutting it to one line or moving it further down.

I looked beyond you into the stars  
Outer space was not far from me   
But you remained a fallacy   
A galaxy of self deception  
I scrape my skin off my hands  
My nails blunt on my bones, but  
I feed this immolation




A schism of the tarry night   
Take your hand, reach for mine  
But you never will  
These stars have gone still  
Their burning eyes swill  
Cups of soot, poisoned glances  
Bittered tears, the ashes  
of my blazing, broken, disintegrating heart  



I looked beyond you into the stars   
Outer space was not far from me  
Unlike the ground, duplicitiously calling  
Promising non-existence, falling  
Wouldn't be hard   
I looked beyond you into the stars   
Pleading that I could just be let to   
fall to you   
But you were so  
so   
so very far   











Let Me Just Fall 


For J. 



06.11.2017






1. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7b8ifq/odes_i_gallows/

2. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7bekgx/is_this_poem_coming_off_as_too_self_indulgent_and/
