Missing Christmas
Memories of a child’s Christmas:
I would wait for Mom to fill the
Stockings, then, in the quiet of night
Sneak into the living room, wrapped
In blankets, and carrying pillows.
Nestled beside presents, under the
Glistening tree, I would fall asleep.
Come morning, I would sleep until I
Heard my sisters making a joyful
Ruckus, dressed and picture ready
In their best pajamas.
Sitting here, remembering all these
Times we shared together, I can’t help
Missing the childlike excitement and
Anticipation I always felt when I
Slept beneath that Christmas tree.
https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7e4rqd/moonlight/dq2rosd/
https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7e3nfa/queequegs_last_dive/dq2s7ja/
Posted Nov 20, 2017, 4:11 AM UTC · edited
56
I love the innocence of your poem! I love poems of memories because they have the ability to invoke so many senses about one moment in a person's time.
The flow of your poem good, I just have a couple of suggestions.
For the line, "In blankets, and carrying my pillows." I think you could get rid of the word 'my', it throws off the story telling rhythm a bit.
Then in the line " Nestled beside presents, under the green tree." The word green seems kind of harsh here. I was thinking you could add a sensory bit here like, "under the smell of pine, I would fall asleep."
Hope my suggestions help!
Thank you for your suggestions! They're really helpful! I'll take out the word 'my'. As for the word 'green', it's an acrostic so I need to have a g word there. Would this flow better?
Nestled beside presents, under the Glistening tree, I would fall asleep.
Omg, I can't believe I didn't pick up on that the first time, so Yes!! That would be great!! I love it! There was just something about green fitting in there. Glistening sounds great!
The fact that you didn't notice the acrostic at first is a huge compliment to me, so thank you! I've edited the poem according to our conversation and I like it more now, so thank you for your help!