Lunchroom

I like this poem, you can see it's intentions. I might be wrong but feel like the poem is trying to express an idea of uniformity and link it to school.

You did a good job of expressing this uniformity: uniform seats, one voice unity and sloshed that well with ideas of dullness and transparency: a plain and dull green. Along with that you also expressed the idea of jail or imprisonment with; "...what vison of the day can be stolen through bars of steel."

The part of the poem that I think lets it down is expressing the forbidden passion and dreams and friendship too literally. The first part of the poem you have these good metaphors for the dullness and the uniformity of the space the character of the poem is in, and the line; "Each with Passions goals Dreams of the life ahead conversations with a friends" feels to direct and forced for the poem.

I'm close to your age, 16, and wrote a poem with the same problem, so I'm passing on what has been given to me, hope to read another poem of yours again, lively traveller.

Good use of language to paint a picture, and you've done well making something interesting out of such a simple premise. I get a feeling of nostalgia from reading though this, but that might just be me thinking back to when I was in high school myself. You might need to adjust the formatting a bit though to make the individual lines more distinct, unless they were meant to appear as they do in which case it's not a problem. If you do want to space them out though, try double spacing after each line, and then hitting enter, to make sure there's a full line of space in between every line, then two full blank lines between stanzas. That'll make it appear in more of a standard poem-like format.

This definitely took me back to almost all of my lunchroom experiences... I really liked the first stanza, mostly in that it seams borderline "stream-of-consciousness", per se. Almost in that, I can picture the narrator becoming aware of their surroundings (opposed to just continuing on with various lunchroom activities) and taking a moment to evaluate things, looking around, and so on...And then, there is that realization that you, as the students, are almost cooped up in there, imprisoned. Those two metaphors at the end of the first stanza are really well done.

Concerning the second stanza, I'm not sure if the "passions and goals Dreams of life ahead and conversations with a friend" are the best choices for that part, but I like the general idea that the singular and individual conversations all become one indistinguishable noise, but then the reflection of the narrator suddenly ends with the bell and having to go back to class. I feel like it almost switches from a more dreamy (almost introspective) tone to something much more realistic with the last stanza, like you're coming out of a trance.

Nice work overall, though! Great imagery! I can't wait to see what else you write!

It feels to me as somewhat of a critique of school's atmosphere. Being a 16 year old, not too far away from you, i can definitely relate to your thoughts. I really enjoyed this one, although it lacked melody.

I feel like my thoughts on poetry differ from others as i mostly enjoy lyricism that is "rappable" over anything else. Apart from it's lack of melody, the absent rhyming and it's short "stature", i really enjoyed it. The message was a deal-maker for sure.

Keep at it is all i can really say.

(I'd also really appreciate it if you checked out my poem on this subreddit #ShamelessPlug)