Escape

Correct me if I'm wrong but this is how I interpreted your poem.

Lack of freedom. As a child we never really knew what is happening in our world. All we wanted to do was to explore things. We never really care about the meaning of everything. We just wanted to have fun. But as time went by, as we started to understand everything that is happening around us, we find out that the freedom that we had was never really there, and that, our perceptions as a child ware just illusions given to us by the elderly.

This made me think of Plato's cave allegory, the questioning of if real is in the cave or out of it. At the end of your poem, the narrator seems to express to me this idea that you can be a part of one world or the other, but either way, you are stuck on one side of the doors. That thought appeals to me in a tragic way, I relate to that thought, though it might not have been your intent. "I saw every taste I touched every sound I heard every image". That's a nice bit of wordplay, mixing those sensations. "Condemned to be free" is a beautiful line, I LOVE that. A lot of your phrases felt awkward to me, though, and like maybe they suffered from unoriginal word choice. I say this only because your best lines are vivid and eloquent. It is jarring and a little disappointing to then read "Every day I would think about it" or "For a brief moment I understood what freedom felt like But it also took my sanity Everything now was black and white"

Those lines aren't BAD but they could be vivid and beautiful like your best lines. I feel like this poem could be reworked into brilliance. If you could find the right words for every line, not just your best lines, this piece could be so much better. But don't take that the wrong way! I enjoyed it intellectually, the message or at least the message I perceived was personally relatable and quietly tragic. Your best lines are beautiful and well chosen-- I only criticize because I would love to see you write a poem comprised of ONLY your best lines, and I believe its possible. Thank you for sharing!

#SPaG

what was in the other side

Not really SPaG, but I think that 'on the other side' might work better, unless you mean that this other side is a container, or something of the sort? Usually, a person asks what in in a chest, and what is on the other side. It does, however tie into your imagery of a 'cage' I suppose.

Against all advices

Advice doesn't really have a plural. It cannot be counted. You wouldn't ask for more 'times' would you? You'd ask for more time. You wouldn't request fewer 'advices', you'd request less advice. Here, you could replace 'advices' with 'warnings', or 'all that I had been taught', or even just 'advice'.

keyway

Wouldn't say SPaG so much as not really a word. Did you mean a keyhole?

Everything now was black and white

Since at this point you were still writing in past tense, using 'now' kind of breaks the flow. Alternatively, you could try 'Everything had become black and white', or the past tense version of the sentence you used, 'Everything then was black and white', though I prefer the former.

Overall, pretty consistent/good SPaG, but do consider adding in more punctuation.

#Points to Improve Upon

The lack of punctuation. I know that you may have done it for effect, but in certain places, a pause is necessary, beyond what a simple line break can provide. For example,

It is now that I realize
I did not escape

Often times in poetry, a sentence continues onto the next line, and no break is required. Here, I would say that a dash, a colon, or even a comma would provide a pause - just as the narrator must have, upon this realisation - that would add to the effect and intensity of the line. Punctuation isn't only for proper English, although it is important, punctuation determines how a person will read your poem, aloud or in their head. Try reading it aloud and seeing how it sounds. Add punctuation where you feel necessary.

Definitely a nitpick, but a quick tip: on reddit (computer) adding two spaces after a line allows you to start a new line without any break. It helps to keep the poem in a better form whilst writing stanzas.

I heard every image

I understand and like what you were going for here with the mismatching verbs and nouns, however, this one isn't quite right. I'll try to show you what I mean.

• taste
• sound
• image

Do you see what I mean? The corresponding correct noun would've been sight. Not image. Unless image is the secret sixth sense? Hmmm.

Use more descriptive verbs. If you can't, use more adverbs and adjectives. Some of the words you use are very vague, and leave the reader with a very blank impressions of the emotions and actions of the poem's story.

• go
• said
• hear
• think

Compare the sentences:

The man walked.
The suspicious man crept sneakily through the dark.
The sullen man stalked silently between shadows.

If you want people to feel emotions, you need to convey personality in places and people. All of these sentences depict a man walking, but each one is different.

You are a novice writer, and it shows, but it isn't a bad thing. It's better to make mistakes early on than later in more important works.

#Good Points

Against all advices I peaked through the keyway

I like this 'peaking through a keyhole' imagery. It helps to convey the forbidden nature of what the protagonist is seeing, and how they are effectively spying. It works well.

For a brief second I saw every taste
I touched every sound
I heard every image

Despite what I said about 'image' being the incorrect word here - a statement that I still stand by - it is a nice way to depict the senses. It has a certain dramatic feel to it that I think works very well to emphasise the moment and thoughts of the narrator.

Condemned to be free

I like this line. The oxymoronic manner in which you were able to show a sense of eternal loneliness and imprisonment really shines. Condemned especially was great word choice.

The overall message of the poem was clear. It's an interesting one too. I've not too much to say about it, the message was clear, and that's a good thing.

Your poem does have good points. Keep fortifying those, they're promising. Your description in particular is fairly strong, however, always strive for improvement.

#Overall Review

I've just now realised that this was tagged 'feedback received'. Oops. I hope you're still okay with receiving feedback.

tl;dr

It's not perfect, but no poem will ever be.

• You had some good imagery and detail.
• Use punctuation for emphasis.
• Include descriptive non-vague verbs.

beautiful work i really loved the creative formatting

A really cool poem. Honestly my only gripe is with the current formatting of the poem--it might "flow" or "look better" for the reader if the poem was bunched in verses. However, a very strong poem and more like this should be written.

Interesting concept, the idea of being chained to your freedom, like an emotional vagabond. Nice.

How it made me feel: I can feel this one a bit. When I was put on meds for my schizoaffective disorder. Before meds I felt like the voices and hallucinations brought me down and made me a worse person. After meds I felt like I was lost without the constant pain and struggle that the disorder brought me. Either way I felt like my life was lacking, and I was either trapped with or without them.

My critique: For me at least the alliteration of Ls in the second and third stanza is a little off putting when the first stanza had no rhyming or alliteration. I don't know if this was intentional, (it could be that the second half is meant to be different from the first to convey the difference of being trapped on the other side) but the first half and second half don't seem to fit with the same tempo or alliterations.

Interesting, From what I understood I intrepreted the use of being a child as consumers, most of us are unaware of things such as child labor or unethical treatment. To me being locked out meant being aware of this but unable to change it. Well done