It was an attempt at writing a ghazal, the structure is like that in that sort of poem (if i've done it correctly, it was just an attempt)

I think I understand what you were going for with the repetition of "paid" bit it doesn't seem to actually benefit this piece very much in my opinion. It ends up just seeming awkward and kinda clumsy sounding. And as I was reading it I was dreading the next repetition of it rather than looking forward to it. I would try to incorporate new concepts in with the repetition to make it work better. As is it is this poem seems to drag out a very short story, that has a lot of potential, and make it a painfully awkward read. However if that's what you were going for to make the reader feel the painful awkwardness the narrator must have felt in the story (which just occurred to me now) then mission accomplished and I actually like the whole piece a lot more with that idea in mind. 

Here's the link to Lana's ghazal guide. https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rn7en/poetry_primer_ghazal/

Thanks for your feedback. I thought I had read everything about the ghazal, but according to you I didn't catch what was said, I will remember your words next time I try to write one. 

if it's ghazal, they don't really tell linear stories -- each couplet has to be wholly different in tone and content. Also it needs a specific name in the last couplet. That's not the poem you're trying to write here. You're trying to write about a little encounter in the store and the aftermath. So I'd not choose a ghazal for that, it doesn't really help you tell the story. Second, it's a poem I see a lot for some reason -- boys going into stores, meeting someone friendly who works there, and then either asking/not asking the waitress/cashier/bellhop/whoever out. So for me reading it it's a bit of an uphill struggle, and it really makes me crave a different approach or perspective. 

What you could do is use the ghazal to fragment the story into a lot of pieces, and perspectives, and timelines. Try that. I think it's great to experiment with forms of poetry to explore. Read up on our poetry primer, Lana's got a great explanation of ghazal. 

We met in a store, my wares should be paid,  
you smiled quietly to me as I paid.

Thoughts were racing about futures to come,  
tried to decide what to say as I paid.

A simple thought came, let me ask you out  
In a muttery tone I asked when I paid.

“I’m sorry I got a boyfriend back home!”  
your face said flattered and blushed when I paid.

I shall return at same time once a week  
I first said to my self after I paid.

And weekly meet this cashier crush of mine  
and share smiles, was my thought after I paid.
 

[1](https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7qu89y/no_title_yet/dss3j1t/), [2](https://reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7qou43/something_from_nothing/dss610v/)

Shopping for smiles