Source
r/OCPoetry•
moors

Failing memories

Feedback Received!

Frock like an umbrella
She spun with glee
On her toes like a ballerina
That I remember so vividly.
Sometime between day and night
Somewhere between here and there
A missing button in her dress
Things she never seemed to care.

 

We were kids then
Her shaky tooth
She had a brother
I had one too.
Is that all I remember?
No, there was this shoe
Tiny and shiny
Was it black? Or blue?

 

Now, my hair is grey
That I know
Time had had its way
On my memories, so
No matter how hard
I try to remember
I can barely recollect
Moments I spent with her.

 

Most beautiful of all
Prettiest I've ever seen
She was real
Not fancy or dream.
She had a name
They called her Jasmine
Just like the flower
Breezy and dancing.

 

Her face is a blur
But her smile is clear
Her sound forgotten
But her music I hear.
Tender and slender
Her complexion fair
Amber, the color
Of the band in her hair.

 

I think I loved her
I told her I suppose
I think I held her
In my arms so close
Her memories fade in and out
Decades it has been
My fractured love account
Of forever young Jasmine.

 

 

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Posted Jan 17, 2018, 2:32 AM UTC

912
NyxNay•

Damn this is seriously beautiful in a heartbreaking way, that struggle to remember something they know they should. "i think I loved her" is one of the most tragic possible phrases. I'm not sure if the occasional end rhymes are intentional though and if they are, what's the purpose? Other than that this a pretty solid poem

4
moorsOP•

Thank you for the observation and review. Glad the poem expressed the subject effectively. I had added the end rhyme on purpose to give it a consistent meter and song-like reading quality. It was a comment for one of my earlier poems that when read aloud, the poem should not sound like prose. Hence I reduced the syllables in each line and added both leading rhymes and trailing rhymes appropriately without affecting subject matter in any way.

2
HONKDADDY•

This is lovely. Very well done. The shaky tooth line is brilliant. Its sad yet happy, and I like that. Good work.

3
moorsOP•

Thank you for the review. Wanted to express the feelings of puppy love as told by an aged person with some form of memory loss disease. Hence the mixed sad and happy tones.

2
BBRHomestead•

A pleasant depiction of the reminiscence of fleeting memories of our long ago past. Evokes both a tinge of sadness of youth lost and joy of a lived life.

3
moorsOP•

Thank you @BBRHomestead

2
heartachebrigade•

beautiful poem, liked how you used her name and linked it to the first verse of the poem. upvoted

3
moorsOP•

Thank you for the review and the observation, @heartachebrigade. As much as the narration goes in each stanza, I made sure the ambiguity resulting from the memory loss is expressed and that he somehow remembers her name by associating it to the flower and the way she was swaying and dancing.

3
OpenTheWaygate•

Hey there fellow poet,

your love poem to that half forgotten dream-girl was a nice read. The flow picked up in the later stanzas and particularly drew me in. I especially enjoyed this line:

"Amber, the color
Of the band in her hair."

Compared to the rest of the poem the first stanza doesn't seem to fit for me. The lines are too long for my feeling.

"Now, my hair is grey
That I know
Time had had its way"

I would use "has had" instead of "had had" but thats taste I suppose.

Enjoyable read! Keep it up!

Best Regards, Tom.

2
moorsOP•

Thank you Tom.

Very keen observation about the first stanza. It has imagery and the meter got stretched. Apart from the first stanza, the line "Jasmine, Just like the flower..." is the only other place where there is a comparison. But that comparison was required because the narrator is able to remember her name because he has associated it with the flower in his failing brain.

Good advice on "Time had had". Thank you again.

1
jakeaquilina•

I like the way the poem is structured and the idea behind it of the residue of memories which may seem trivial but we always manage to think of them. The only small twitch I had was when I read the rhyming(presumably) of 'suppose' and 'close' as there is a tad discrepancy in their pronunciation but nothing big at all. Other than that, it's an enjoyable poem.

2
moorsOP•

Thank you @jakequilina for the advice. English, being a foreign language to me, it is really a nuance that I would have never caught by myself. Very valuable point for me and I will fix it with something more pleasant in the next revision of this poem.

1