i keep my loves on bedside tables
[deleted]
Posted Jan 18, 2018, 9:34 PM UTC
1413
Very curious and impressionistic, from the title onwards. It's puzzling and something about it is vivid enough for me to be intrigued (rather than alienated) but it's ultimately opaque to me. The last stanza is more than ambiguous in fact, it's incoherent. Does that matter to you, in terms of your goals for the poem (ie, were you hoping to convey something concrete)?
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this is how i want to write, and then i feel like i over do it and just type it as itd come out in voice and it becomes less of a poem and more of a jotted down idea, but anyways i like it
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[removed]
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Sure, Jan.
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shit, the only thing i could suggest to play with is line-breaks and i know full well you've done that, because you're you.
i think its done
Oof, I'll let this one die down, then. I keep thinking it's not 'ready' but I come full stop on how to push it to my idea of completion. I'll revisit in a couple months. Probably keep it like this, though. <3
what are your issues with it?
Non-consistent imagery (even though I still like it), as u/jaybee mentioned: a little esoteric but I do think it's unlockable within a couple reads.
considered cutting the middle stanza?