Source
r/OCPoetry•
karmax7chameleon

Can't think of title

Feedback Received!

My love for you is flowers

That bloom and want to grow

In colors and forever

As something beautiful

My love for you is sunshine

In gold and sparkling hues

It lands on crests between my lips

And tumbles onto you

My love for you is starlight

That peeks from time to time

Through stormy clouds and blue-black nights

To try to ease your mind

My love for you is sparrows

That beat against their cage

And want to burst from in my chest

But shy from warm clichés

My love for you is distance

That tightens at the close

Nervous words and confidence

That set my world aglow

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7sl8nc/the_fiery_taboo/dt65yzt/?context=0

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7shot3/one_thousand_bats/

Posted Jan 24, 2018, 4:23 PM UTC

610
lou_rasmus•

i get the intent here, and its a nice sentiment. its just that the metaphors you use seem pretty cliche. hope this helps.

4
OhlsenBreakfast•

I'll agree with the first comment- perhaps you can contrast that cliche with a non-romantic, funny title like- "To the Girl With the Big Ass", lol

3
karmax7chameleonOP•

It's actually for a boy, but it still works haha

1
OhlsenBreakfast•

"To the Tall Guy with Dimples" ? ;-)

1
karmax7chameleonOP•

Nah I'm feelin' that For the Dude with the Donk vibe

4
IndyProGaming•

Pulled in by the title, stayed for the words.

I like the way that your write, in a lofty, loving way with a whole lot of imagery. I can kind of relate to someone saying the metaphors are cliche, but some of the best poetry I've read from centuries ago is cliche as well, so if I focus on what you're saying... it's actually written pretty beautifully. I enjoyed it.

3
thisisme106•

I’m very new to poetry so I don’t know what makes poetry good but, enough though I thought this was mildly cliche, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I don’t think it would look out of place in a professional poetry collection but I’m probably very easy to please.

2
SisterofLingy•

I found it interesting that you mentioned cliches because I spotted quite a few in your poem. You could use that to be a bit tongue in cheek. Maybe include that stanza a bit earlier, and edit it to "But don't shy from warm cliches". Just a thought. Keep writing.

1
karmax7chameleonOP•

Oh good someone caught it I was worried...

I did put that line in intentionally, because whenever I try to describe how this person makes me feel, I do feel very clichéd and I want to shy away from the feeling, but I also really like the feeling and so roll with it - and the subsequent clichéd writing, hence the poem’s existence...

Anyway, I’m getting mixed reviews on the cliché thing but at least people seem to like the writing, so thank you !

1
SisterofLingy•

You're welcome!

1