Source
r/OCPoetry•
unwashedbodypillow95

"Infected" (First time posted so would love some feedback and criticism)

Feedback Received!

You used to wear a cape

Superman; untouchable, invincible.

Your words sing a sweet tune,

Carrying Midas on every wavelength.

" 

Wide eyes of wonder grew wiser,

the wounds run deeper, scars begin to show.

A bruise to your ego, a bruise on me.

A mark that reeks of unconditional love,

Right?

" 

Blood becomes poison, coursing through veins

so we rot, from the inside out.

Nucleotide bonds craft the finest noose.

Executioner, my blood is my sentence.

" 

Shoulders grow broader, eyes grow clearer.

The mask falls off, the cape is no more.

No longer super;

Just, man.

" 

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7uy4fx/regrets/dtogio2/?context=0 https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7uybcs/eggshell/dtogcmd/?context=0

Posted Feb 3, 2018, 4:19 PM UTC · edited

99
Kodaco•

I like your use of allusions and the imagery and the way you subvert expectations. It makes it fresh and interesting. I appreciate the way you handle such a heavy theme, too. I think it would be interesting to see the poem expanded in order to show more of the progressive degrading of the relationship. Some more imagery might help make the poem more visceral also.

6
bhowl_•

Other commenters are interpreting this as being about a relationship, but to me it reads more like a story about how fathers change as we grow up. When we discover our parents aren't special, we find out we aren't either. The stanza about blood and genes beautifully shows we are bound to be what we come from. Wonderfully written, thanks for sharing.

4
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
unwashedbodypillow95OP•

Thank you I appreciate it. That’s the image I was trying to portray. Is there anything you think needs work?

1
bhowl_•

I think there's some opportunity to pack a bit more meaning into some word choices. The line "Nucleotide bonds craft the finest noose" creates probably the best image in the poem, but I find the word "finest" a bit empty. I don't see why this noose being fancier makes a difference. I think if you reworked this line to reference the rope-like nature of DNA and dropped that word it might hit harder.

2
SoberDelusion•

Wow. This is really good. What i am left with is a thought that all women want supermen and i am not a superman and bounded to live as a man. alone. Really powerful. I know i can be superman in some people's eyes, so i'm not a dark seer. and when that happens i have to be careful not to get wounds.

2
itsuhnotgay•

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your use of imagery and choice of language made this so easy to create a mental picture. A chilling one, I might add.

If I had to make a suggestion, I would say possibly consider the inconsistency in punctuation. I know that’s small but the way it “looks” really changes the flow in your head.

Great work! I look forward to reading more!

Edit: a word

2
elephantel•

This is awesome! Wow! I want to read more from you

1
unwashedbodypillow95OP•

Glad you like it:)

1
AschoffTheTop•

I know it was early on but the twist from Superman to a not so honorable man really took me. I enjoyed it (:

1