[FEEDBACK] Neptune Beach (Post-Apocalyptic Murder Mystery , 97 pages)

Not intrigued by the logline. Characters were good though Tanner seemed silly with that gas mask, like he’s worried about being exposed but he leaves his camper unlocked so Mack just walks in and contaminates everything. Maybe Tanner just keeps the mask so he can be prepared or get used to it? Idk. Obie seemed dumb, in a world where bodies just end up on the side of the road why would you walk up to someone’s camp and say surely you can accommodate us? It’s the end of times bro. So Tanner just lives a few miles outside of town? It seemed like nothing for Mack to stop by or for Tanner to be bored enough to go back into town. I could clearly see Frank in this dark bar and then imagine the council in some fancy area waiting to be saved. I stopped reading only after Gloria started crying after she slapped Tanner because I stay up all night and I’m tired but it’s a good idea, great descriptions.

All I can say about the logline is “and then...?”

First page featured bulky action tidbits, felt like I was swimming midst a crowded tank full of bored sharks. Avoid the traffic, read TAXI DRIVER: amazing script that follows the hero's journey and contains so many heartbeat changes that it forgoes boredom's ugly snare. Screenplays are about evincing of one's inner vision. Not a linear dreamscape as most novels project. Here's an idea: pretend you can pause every static moment of life and observe the frame, capture this raw leakage of emotion. Allow those frantic emotions to swathe each fiber of the imagination, running up the legs and exploding mid a mind. Spoon all the emotional juice with your breakfast cereal, whatever is necessary to pinpoint the shoes of a brother. Ask weird questions, be socially experimental. Don't fear should the bar's bouncers steer ya to the exit, you've won the trophy! A story's focus is almost always a person, so where representing birds: somehow delineate them as people too. My dog embodies an electric spicy personality and would immediately draw laughing smiles of an audience. Otherwise, animals compensate as symbolic devices.

Applying animal characteristics to fleshly subjects is another avenue. The man soared as an eagle, landed on his prey and bit into the rival's chin. Or: the military commander speedily sprayed an armload of ammunition near the men, hailing a rain of debris upon them to warn that they could never truly follow the [guerrillic] cheetah's path he'd be partaking. The first characterizes the attacker as alien, perhaps connoting a mental state that is drug-induced. The second suggests an angry rampage of which desperate creatures brandish at survival's final knock. I recommend reading Samson's riddle found within Judges. It's just baffling how the protagonist wagers and draws his enemy in, where individual foresight previously determined the positive outcome. Anticipate building portrayals molded of this fabric, ones that've outsmarted their opposition prior to dice roll. Scene pacing is of solid run, similarly punching pow as of Bible's selected reference. Bible carries a heavy load of literary bumps that's worthy of learning. The water won't forever carry your body's impact but still attempt feasting of literature's rife [and enriched] challenge. Due to sexual innuendos, I'd swap "living" for money: albeit whence dousing scripture it is seldom of an issue's drawback. Narrative instills an attention to world's spiraling events.

Yes