PLEASE UPVOTE
[deleted]
Posted Feb 15, 2018, 5:13 AM UTC
3627
Feeling this so hard, especially this week. It's paralyzing me every time I try to write.
No criticism offered, (sorry AutoModerator) just wanted to say I appreciate this A LOT, so of course I'm going to upvote. ;)
2
Ha, I'm feeling this pretty hard. What an anxious poem. Idk if thta's a working title or not, but that's the only thing that sticks out to me as questionable.
I like how the rhythm/reading seems to degrade over the course of the poem, it feels like a spiral with no resolution and a very open end.
2
The title is meant to just fit the medium (r/ocpoetry), and would have to change if I want to shove this in a chapbook (unlikely, lol). You're right though, it's cheap, but like purposefully so... IDK.
1
Big fan of the repetition here. The desperation reminds me also of Endless Summer. I tend to wish there was one more resting place in this poem i.e. we have 1) external validation and 2) cherry blossoms, but no further nouns to contemplate among the wave of repetitions. I would have wanted the second "cherry blossoms" to perhaps be something else, but this may just be my personal preference. Still, a very lovely poem and the "tasted" you use is the perfect choice of words.
2
RemindMe! 72 hours
2
(this post shall live)
2
Ok it’s been over 72 hrs and it seems I may have been wrong about you. I apologize for making such reckless accusations, no one deserves to be called a poem killer. The truth is I’ve run out of leads on the serial poem killer and I really could use all the help I can get. If you don’t mind me asking, do the words “mannequin,” “divot,” and “clitoris” mean anything to you?
1
I'm sorry, greenhouse_gangster is not with us currently. He is in tahiti with the wife. Please ask another question by dialing 911 and by turning yourself in.
1
[removed]
1
I will be messaging you on [2018-02-25 02:18:12 UTC](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2018-02-25 02:18:12 UTC To Local Time) to remind you of this link.
[CLICK THIS LINK](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7xoa6n/please_upvote/]%0A%0ARemindMe! 72 hours) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.
^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete Comment&message=Delete! dumqb6f)
| ^(FAQs) | [^(Custom)](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=[LINK INSIDE SQUARE BRACKETS else default to FAQs]%0A%0ANOTE: Don't forget to add the time options after the command.%0A%0ARemindMe!) | [^(Your Reminders)](http://np.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List Of Reminders&message=MyReminders!) | ^(Feedback) | ^(Code) | ^(Browser Extensions) |
|---|
1
I love the use of enjambment throughout this, it gives the poem a very natural rhythm. "I have/ruined that thing" in particular was some really standout use of that, and I really liked the repitition of "I have".
1
I like this, It reminds me of the idea that every time you share something you create, it loses its meaning.
Only criticism is formatting. Line 5 is two sentences, but i read it as one at first and it jumbled the meaning.
1
I love the frustration present in this. I didn't care for it on my first read but on my second go around I was appreciating the self defeated attitude of the narrator. The whole poem reads like an exclamation, like if someone had bit their lip again at the end of the day after trying so hard to let it mend.
I'm not talented enough know how to help you improve this, I appreciate this poem very much!
1
[removed]
-3
[removed]
1
Nice WCW vibe you got going. As someone who has written this poem a bunch of times, I think yours has a certain understatement that is appealing.
Anyone writing this, I automatically recommend playing The Beginner's Guide if they haven't. It's the best work I've ever seen centered around the idea, and worth the time of anyone.
Thanks, and I'll check it out! I liked the stanley parable back in the day...
I think its better than the Stanley Parable, but most people don't. as far as dry 'you should change this' kind of stuff, i think the first four lines aren't necessary to understanding the poem as long as you have some variant of your current title. but maybe it'd affect the emotional reaction to it.
Yeah, I fiddled with something similar but this poem w/o the plainspoken context of the first half really siphons from the intended meaning IMO -- I wish it worked if more economically put, though, you're right. I'll keep fiddling.
Fantastic game -- def see the similarity. It's weird to have these thoughts said by someone else, and in such a moving way. The lamppost reveal was so juicy.
Yurp, i've been studying it like a crazy person and the more I look at it and its construction the more I love it. The Epilogue feels like T.S. Eliot made a digital sculpture.
I'm really glad to find out some other OCPoetry feedback posters are into weird indie games.
weird indie games are the future!!
Can you explain what on earth you are saying? WCW? Playing the beginners guide?
he uses basically the same technique as William Carlos Williams in this poem.
I don't see how the other thing is confusing, but i just meant that anyone finding themselves exploring external validation as a need in their work should play The Beginner's Guide, because it's the best in the biz.
Oh its a VIDEO GAME, you aren't one for providing context eh? Thanks for explaining the first bit. And the WCW poem isn't about external validation, it just shares a similar form and repetition?
Form & repetition are technique, so there's that.
Or else one could argue that "They taste good to her / They taste good / to her. They taste / good to her" indicates that it doesn't matter what they taste like to anyone else; they taste good to her. No external validation needed.
So it works both ways.